


Perpetual Winter

by thefangirlslair



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Drama, F/M, Romance, Smut, fkdfbakd forgive the wait please, this was very hard to write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-25 23:48:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20920652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlslair/pseuds/thefangirlslair
Summary: Sasuke and Sakura find themselves back in the city where they fell in and out of love with each other. Years after the best and worst moments of their lives, they're back in the perpetual winter of their long lost love. [A Sasusaku Modern AU fic]





	1. Part 1

**Part I**

* * *

Winter has never been his favorite season.

It's not that he feels the intensity of the cold because that's not the case. Their whole clan has this inexplicable tolerance to extreme weather such as this. It's like they have this built-in furnace inside that keeps them warm all the time.

His best friend, Naruto, has the same weird-ass characteristic. But instead of a furnace burning with fire inside his body, it seems like there's a demon living inside him, making him unbelievably winter-proof that he doesn't even need winter coats to fight the cold.

As for him, he only needs at least two layers of clothing to feel the right amount of warm in this chilly weather. He looked up at the sky, currently crying with snowflakes, and cursed it silently.

He continued walking towards his favorite café after purchasing poetry books down the bookstore across his apartment. His eyes are downcast and watch his sneakers leave footprints on the sidewalk as he moves with purpose. He wanted to get out of this snow and just read a goddamn book in peace with his coffee.

He really hates winter.

He stopped at the side of the road, noticing that the red man is still on. He buried his face under the thick white scarf around his neck, and his hands inside the pocket of his black trench coat. He exhaled and watched his breath evaporates as he wished that it was spring instead of this fucking winter.

Spring has always been his favorite season.

He has always been a minimalist. A black-and-white person, literally and figuratively. But contrary to popular belief that he only likes neutral colors, he actually loves vivid ones. That's why he loathes winter so much because it's just drained of hues. He likes it vibrant and alive. His eyes swept his surroundings.

The red of the stoplight at the other side of the road. The yellow of the boots worn by the little boy walking with his mother. The lime green of the phone case used by this tall man in front of the group of people waiting for the green to turn on at the other side. The pink hair of the petite girl behind him. The blue of t-

Wait.

Pink.

Pink hair.

His eyes went back to the source of that rose color that halted his breathing and his heartbeat. His eyes have always been his best asset.. because it never misses.

Especially _her_. He still believes that even in a sea of people, he would always see her. Even without that ridiculous pink mane of hers, she will always stand out among the ordinary people of this earth.

It was like slow motion — the movement of her lips as she sings along to a song playing through her plugged earphones in which he's pretty sure is a Bon Iver song (_"It's emo and perfect for winter! And besides, Bon Iver is literally 'good winter' in English. They're supposed to be played during cold weather so you could mope and cry!"_);a tendril of her pink hair caught in that mouth when the wind blew, her gloved fingers trying to brush it off; the arch of her scarf-covered neck as she looked up at the sky and offered a tiny glare; and the flutter of her eyelids as she faced the road and the spark of recognition in those emerald eyes of hers as their gazes met.

He could almost hear her right then and there, 15 meters between them with a throng of pedestrians just waiting to get to the other side just like the two of them, as she opens her mouth in a gasp of surprise.

_Sasuke-kun_, she'll say.

But to his dismay and relief, she didn't. Instead, she gave him a radiant smile. A smile that made this snow-covered world a bit brighter and better and warmer.

He could barely breathe. He knew he wanted the spring, the colors and the hope it brings to anyone who experiences it. He wanted some full living color in this monochromatic life of his and now that he got this, _her_ of all things, he couldn't even swallow his own spit.

The green man came on, and the current of people pushed him forward to her, and her to him. And as they move to meet one another in a city where they both fell in and out of love with each other, he was taken back to the time where winter was just a mere season, Bon Iver was playing on their shared earphones, and Sakura was his.

* * *

_8 years ago_

_"What's your favorite song?"_

_They're cuddled together in bed, naked, her head on his shoulder with his arm around her and hers tracing his abs, his other arm folded under his head. It's freezing cold because of the early winter but their naked bodies offer enough heat to each other._

_He opened his sleepy eyes and turned to his girlfriend, and saw her looking up at him with those green doe eyes, "Hn?"_

_"I just realized, Sasuke-kun," she continued, still looking up at him. "We've been dating for like almost a year now and I still don't know your favorite song. I rarely see you listen to music. You're always with your books and poetry."_

_"No, I'm not," he retorted. Is it bad that he likes to read?_

_"Uhm, yes you are," she said back. "Either those or your coffee or any school-related shit. I don't even see you with other people aside from Naruto, of course, and your family."_

_"And Colonel Mustard," he answered._

_"He's a cat," she answered deadpan._

_He sighed. He moved the arm under his head and used its hand to hold her cheek, "You forgot yourself." His arm around her tightened to pull her even closer. He whispered to her, "I'm always with you."_

_Sasuke saw her blush and felt her hand on his abs slap his skin. He winced a little. Seriously, her hand could either make him gasp in pleasure or in pain._

_"I know that already so stop distracting me!", she scolded him. "I wanna know your favorite song. I know your favorite movie, favorite author, favorite dish, favorite ice cream flavor even though you always say you hate ice cream, favorite jeans to wear just to make me think about grabbing your beautiful ass every time I see you in it. I even know your favorite sex position even if you haven't told me, for God's sake!"_

_He almost choked on that last one. She had always had no filter with her mouth and that may be her biggest flaw, but that's also her strength and charm. She's so vulgar and frank and just straight-up business when it's about to go down. And right now, it is going down with her._

_"If you don't say it right now I'm not gonna give you head for two weeks," she warned. He would've been worried that he wouldn't get a blowjob for two long weeks if he can't get a different kind of pleasure just by seeing her come and unravel before his eyes whenever they make love._

_'As if that's the only satisfaction I get from you', he thought with a small smirk._

_He ran his hand on her side back and forth, squeezing her hip when it landed there, "I don't have any favorite song."_

_"Bullshit. Everyone has their favorite song. Why won't you tell me?", she whines. In retaliation, she also uses her hand to caress his chest and abdomen. He shivers._

_"Because I don't have one," he calmly answered, his hand still running over her. They're both using the power of their touch to distract and to persuade. He likes this game, he decided._

_"Yes, you do. You just don't want to say it to me."_

_"No."_

_"Why won't you?"_

_"There's nothing to tell."_

_"Is it embarrassing?"_

_"What?"_

_They didn't notice that they moved now. She's now on top of him, her pink hair cascading down on him like a curtain that hides them from the world, her arms caging his head as she looks down on him with determination. His hands are now both on her thighs while she straddles him, going back and forth as he feels himself get hard and heat up._

_"Is it by some artist with problematic tendencies?"_

_He rolled his eyes, "No. I just don't have one."_

_"Is it a cheesy romantic ballad?"_

_"Sakura.."_

_"Is it by Skrillex? I swear to God I'll strangle you."_

_"Sakura.."_

_"Or is it from broadway? Don't worry, I know you like theater and plays and I do, too! I love Mu-"_

_Out of slight irritation for too much talking and the sight of her naked breast on his face, he pulled her down and kissed the hell out of her. He heard her whimper for a second, followed by her moans as soon as his tongue found its way in her mouth. He groaned in response, she goes crazy when she hears it._

_Unfortunately, it's not enough to shut her up._

_She broke the kiss and with a slight pant, "C'mon Sasuke-kun."_

_He flopped his arms wide open on the mattress and looked heavenwards before turning on her, "I could say the same to you. I don't know your favorite song too."_

_That made her halt in her movements, which is crawling backwards to sit on his crotch. She sat on his abdomen instead, "Really?"_

_It's a given that she will question him regarding this since she tells him absolutely almost everything. From her latest discovered band to a recent discovery in medicine by a genius dude whose name he doesn't even remember, she shares it with him. Favorite anime character, favorite memory with him, favorite pair of underwear — he knows it all because she's that open to him about things she loves._

_But his sharp memory tells him that she forgot to include her favorite song. It's hard for Sasuke to remember things that don't have any business with him, especially things he doesn't care about. But since Sakura is his only business and definitely the woman he most care about next to his mother, anything that tumbles out of her mouth will automatically find its way to the storage in his brain and his heart and it'll be there for him to remember forever, no matter how mundane it is such as a favorite scented candle or favorite episode of How I Met Your Mother._

_He sighed while staring at her fondly, "Really." She just stared back, her head tilting slightly like a puppy as she processes this new information. She looked absolutely adorable in his eyes and he felt his lips turn into a soft smile._

_'Too cute', he thought. If she's not naked on top of him right now, he might've told her out loud._

_Before he could even reach out to caress her stomach, she got up from her position on his abdomen and hopped out of bed. He leans on his elbow to watch her rummage through her bag, as nonchalant as a newborn baby can be in just her skin and nothing else, and he continued to watch in awe and fascination._

_"Yosh!", she exclaimed after a few moments. She turned around and flopped down on the bed on her stomach, with her hands holding her iPod. She plugged in her earphones on the device and looked at him dead in the eye, "I love this dude named Justin Vernon."_

_He was still leaning on his elbows when he suddenly sat up straight, "What the fu- who the fuck is h- I swear to God Sak-" and continued to sputter shit._

_"Shut your hole and let me speak you dumb baby," she covered his mouth shut. "Do you think I'm capable of loving someone other than you?"_

_Sasuke immediately didn't know what to say at that and even felt his stomach flutter a bit. He blinked once, twice, while looking at her. He was gonna lean closer to her when she added, "Though this dude could be a close second."_

_His reins are up again and this time, Sakura just laughed at him. 'The audacity!' he thought internally._

_She removed her hand on his mouth and continued, "He's a dude that once holed up in his father's hunting cabin in the mountains after a break-up and wrote the best album of all time."_

_After that, he found himself sitting with his back against the headboard of his bed, watching and listening to the love of his life talk about her love for this sad and broken man who made her favorite album. And for the first time, he didn't feel jealous that she's talking about some other guy and how she loves him so. He actually felt sorry for him, and yes, a bit impressed too. Making a classic album after a break-up? That's neat._

_He doesn't know the pain to be dealt with when you've broken up with someone because Sakura was his first girlfriend. And honestly, he doesn't, couldn't, even think about being apart from her. Just the thought of them breaking up already makes him panic a little. He always thought to himself, 'I will never let that happen.'_

_His position against the head of the bed gives him a perfect view of her lying on her stomach, still animatedly talking about the girl, popularly known as Emma, who broke this Justin's heart and inspired him to write a whole record._

_Then she played a whole album for him, from start to finish. A roller coaster of emotions passed through him. He never knew music could transport you into another realm like this. At one time they stopped using the earphone splitter as they both listen to the whole album in separate earphones. They shared one pair of earphones and she finally played her favorite song which was also the last track on the record, "This is my favorite song of all time. It's called Re:Stacks."_

_Strums of guitar started to pour through and then he heard the song she loves very much. He heard a song of a broken man. His words penetrate through Sasuke and he found himself closing his eyes to absorb it all — the pain, the longing, and the acceptance in the end._

_He didn't notice that the song already ended until he felt Sakura gently straddle his lap which made him open his eyes. He saw her looking at him, with a soft smile grazing her pink lips. "Hi," she whispered sweetly._

_He continued staring at her while removing the earbud from his ear. He sighed deeply and murmured back, "Hi."_

_"What do you think? You seemed to like it," she whispered again, still smiling at him, her hand reaching out to push his bangs back away from his face._

_He nods, "It's beautiful." The intimacy of the moment made them want to whisper to each other as if there's an audience watching and listening. He caressed her thighs straddling his hips, "He seemed to be in so much pain and disbelief, but there's a feeling of acceptance and letting go in the end. Sad but beautiful."_

_She smiled brightly at him, making him tighten his hands on her thighs. She's beautiful and she makes his heart ache so goddamn good. "I'm glad you liked it," Sakura said. Her eyes suddenly trained downcast and her fingers fumble with the chain on his neck._

_He frowned for a moment, not knowing what caused the sudden change in her demeanor. She's such an open book and add that with the years of being friends and lovers, he could instantly tell what she's feeling with just one glance._

_He lifted her face by using his hand, the other tugging her closer so he could prop his knees up, "What is it?"_

_Sakura looked at him quietly, her green eyes slowly sweeping the features on his face. She traced it with her fingers and when she reached his mouth, Sasuke gently puckered his lips to kiss them. It made her smile._

_"I know it's a sad song," she started. "Hell, the whole album is a sad one. Justin wrote it about 'Emma' and he was heartbroken and in despair for so long. Emma broke his heart — shattered it even."_

_She licked her lips and subtly shakes her head. Then she continued talking, now looking at his lips, "And I know we're happy and I'm hopelessly in love with you and I know you love me too, but.."_

_Green eyes met his black ones, "I want you to know that you're my Emma. You always will be."_

_Sasuke's heart skipped a beat. She said it so achingly vulnerable and soft and heartfelt that he felt it in his bones, rattling everything he believes in. She could tell him the world is square and he will believe her if she talks and looks at him like that._

_She continued to babble, words tumbling out of her mouth trying to convey her feelings. He listens._

_"And if I could write songs — damn if I could write a whole album — it would be about you. About us. About you and your stoic perfect face that makes me frustrated and flustered at once. The way you push your hair back, your eyes, your hands — everything about you. I will get holed up in a cave or in my own room and pour my heart in every song like Justin did and make you an album, but I couldn't do that and I could only say these things to your face like this and I hope it's enough. I hope it's enough for you to never leave me, I hope that I'm good enough for you. And just like Emma, you will always have a piece of my heart when and if, God forbid, we ever broke up. I wi-"_

_He couldn't take it anymore. His heart was about to burst out from his chest and her words are starting to get ridiculous because who would _dare_ leave her? How could he ever leave her, let alone _think_ about leaving her? If it ever comes to worst, which he will fight so hard not to happen, he won't be the one to leave. Sakura might just realize how much he lacks and how unworthy he is, and that's when she leaves. But right now, she's here. And she's kissing him. And she loves him._

_And so he did what he does best._

_He grabbed her face and slammed his mouth against hers. Sasuke heard her whimper and he kissed her harder. 'Mine. Mine. Mine,' he selfishly said in his head._

_Her arms wound around his neck as he cradles her face closer to his, pouring his feelings through their passionate kiss. He felt something wet on his face and realized that Sakura was crying._

_She has always been emotional and Sasuke knows she feels intense emotions at the moment that's why she's shedding tears. It made him break their liplock and kissed away her tears on her cheeks to her eyes. He felt her smile against his face and he kissed her again, softly this time. When he broke the kiss for the second time, he stared intently at her, "I love you."_

_Sasuke shook her head a little to let her know he's serious, "Sakura, I love you. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're mine just as I am yours, and I love you so much."_

_Sasuke will always be reserved when it comes to his emotions and hearing these words of love, affection and reassurance made Sakura cry a little harder. She hugged him, her arms tightening around his shoulders and her face buried against his neck. He kissed her hair, his own arms caging her to him._

_They continued being like that — with the pursuit of knowing Sasuke's favorite song forgotten, with Sasuke's words earlier still reverberating around the room, and his unsaid ones echoing inside his heart, body and soul:_

_'You're my Emma too, Sakura.'_

* * *

They met at the center of the road. From up above, you'll see two opposite colors in the middle of the lane with a stream of people continuously going back and forth around them like a stream — her pink strands and his black mane. There they stood, onyx orbs meeting jade ones.

Sasuke looks at her — just that. Words have left him once his eyes reached her figure from across the road. It's all he can do right now; just look at her and contemplate whether this is fate or a mere coincidence, a blessing or a curse. Maybe God heard his prayers and now spitting on him.

He opened his mouth to taste her name from his lips, unmentioned for the past 6 years. His friends have been very careful around him after their breakup. No one mentioned her name. During spring, the term cherry blossom is always used instead.

He wants to know now if the familiar sweep of his tongue when he calls her still gives him a sense of belongingness and home.. because only God knows how much he's never been home all these years. He will do just that when she removed her earbuds and beat him to it.

"Sasuke."

He might've shivered a little. Not from the cold, not even from the cadence of her voice or the familiarity of her eyes. It's from the little ache in his heart, because it has been such a long time.

He also noticed how she called him without _that_ suffix. Sasuke felt it sting a bit. He swallowed hard before greeting her back by saying, "Sakura."

She smiled, "Hi."

Her smile still brought a tiny smirk from him, earning him another smile from her. She always knew how to push his right buttons. "Hi," he murmured back.

She looked around then, her eyes darting throughout their surroundings, "As much as I want to stand here and try to look like we're shooting a music video in the middle of the road, we can't."

She laughed at that and surprising him, grabbed his arm and led him towards the direction he was going. She pulled him so that they could walk side by side and asked him, "You're going to buy coffee and read, right?"

Surprise must've been written all over his face for she laughed a little and nodded her head towards the paper bag of books he's holding. He looked down on it as she continued to say teasingly, "You always need coffee when you read. You still haven't changed, Sasuke! Let me guess.. Bukowski?"

He's never been so glad to have his scarf around his neck until now because he knows that his nape just turned red, as is his ears which Sakura noticed. She laughed again and he couldn't help but blurt out, "Shut up."

They continued to walk until they reached his favorite café. He opened the door for her and she halts in her steps and looked at him with an amazed expression, "Whoa there. You've never opened the door for me before. This is new. Thanks." She proceeded to enter and left him there, still holding the door open, thinking about what she said.

'_Really?_' he thought to himself.

Sasuke followed her inside where he's sure she will pick a spot near the glass windows so she could see the people outside. She always liked to observe people when they're mostly in their most unpretentious, which is simply walking down the street.

But she surprised him again by choosing seats against the wall opposite the glass windows. Above their seats on the wall is a black and white picture of a couple sitting on a bench with shared earplugs and holding hands.

'_How apt_,' he commented on his head. Then he heard it from Sakura herself, "Hey, don't they remind you of us before? Ah, nostalgic."

She removed her white trench coat and now sitting, sporting a military green turtleneck sweater and denim jeans with black knee-high boots. He admits she looked good, extremely good, and he pushes his thoughts away. He berates himself inwardly, '_Now is not the time moron_.'

He nodded his head in answer as he removed his coat and scarf, leaving him with a dark blue sweater. He placed his paper bag of books under the table and said, "I'll order now."

Sasuke knows her usual — coffee with one pack of sugar and three packs of cream — so he didn't bother asking her. That's why when he was gonna go to the counter, Sakura interrupted him with, "I quit coffee a long time ago, Sasuke."

That made him stop on his tracks and face her again. She smiled a little, "I'll have black tea. Oh, and a strawberry muffin. Thanks."

He blinked for a while, then nodded his head in understanding. He went to the counter and ordered for them. As he waited, he watched her from the corner of his eye. His eyes took her in for the nth time since laying his eyes on her again after six goddamn years.

Many things about her took him by surprise — her preference for a spot inside the café and her liking to black tea, her pink hair now in a messy bun at the top of her head revealing her forehead (she's insecure about her forehead before that's why she always wears her hair down with bangs covering it), and her being a bit more reserved, unlike before where she's always on her feet most of the time because she's full of energy and enthusiasm. She looks sophisticated now, with her dark red lipstick on her lips. She was never the dark color type of girl, but now she looks fierce and classy even with just lipstick on and nothing else on her face.

But there are still things that didn't change. She's still short; a bit taller than she was back then but still way shorter than him. She reaches his chin before but now, she's able to barely reach his nose. But then, he became taller since then so maybe she never grew at all. She still loves taking pictures of everything whether it's a cute dog that passes by her, a pretty graffiti she spots when they're in the car, or her shoes for the day. Right now, it's the neon signs of the café, with her fingers posing to make a finger heart for her to capture. _Fucking adorable,_ he thought.

Above all, she's still bubbly. After all the shit that happened, he's extremely glad she never lost her bubbly personality. He remembered the last time they saw each other, how broken she looked that day when they broke up, how much self-control it took for him not to reach out and take back all that he said. He was afraid he took out the best parts of her. But seeing her now made him release a thorn on his pierced heart, relieving him some of the ache that still lingers.

A tap on his shoulder woke him from his thoughts. He turned around and saw their literature professor in college, Kakashi Hatake.

"Mr. Uchiha, what a pleasant surprise," the gray-haired man exclaimed, his ever-present mask still covering half of his face. They never knew what he looked like.

"Sir," Sasuke replied. This earned a chuckle from Kakashi. He heard him say, "Still stiff as a board, I see."

He snorted, "Still nosy."

Kakashi laughed, "Been a while since I saw you here. I heard you moved out of Japan for good? Since what? 5 years ago?"

"Six, actually. I got back last year. Gotta take care of family business since.." Sasuke trailed off.

Kakashi's eyes seemed to soften at that, and undeniably filled with pity. He nodded somberly, "Yeah... Your brother would have been proud of you."

His throat constricted at that statement. A pair of black eyes as dark as his looking at him — fondly, teasingly, lovingly — made its way to his mind.

_Itachi._

Everyone in Tokyo, probably in all of Japan, knew the death of Itachi Uchiha 7 years ago. Just a simple visit at the grocery, a luxury he didn't have in his leisure since he's the heir of the biggest manufacturing company in Asia, and all of a sudden found dead inside because he chose to protect the mother and child from being shot by a robber.

Everyone tells Sasuke he's a noble man; people he didn't even know showed up on his wake and said their condolences, and he said choked-up thanks, and he held onto Sakura's hand tightly because nothing seemed to anchor him to reality anymore. Sasuke watched as his mother cried until she passed out, his father stared into space as he held his wife, and his own self drown in anger and misery.

How dare Itachi leave him alone? How dare Itachi sacrifice himself and die? How dare Itachi pass his responsibilities onto his shoulders, uncontrollably shaking so hard because of the wrecking sobs he let out once in the comfort of his dead brother's room?

Sasuke averted his eyes for he knows Kakashi is as sharp as any investigator and he might see through him. He just nodded in response.

The other man noticed the change in Sasuke so he changed the topic, "So are you still with my favorite student?"

That made Sasuke look back at Kakashi and stammered a little, "I- I- uhh.."

Kakashi's sharp eyes roamed around the café and obviously lit up when it landed on pink. He looked back at Sasuke slyly, "I see."

Sasuke opened his mouth to tell him that he's wrong but unfortunately, his order was already called. Kakashi just patted his shoulder again and saluted at him, taking lazy strides as he walked out of the café, his iconic copy of the first volume of Icha-Icha peaking through the pocket of his sling bag. Sasuke shook his head.

Lifting his and Sakura's orders back to their table, Sasuke composed himself as he makes his way to her. They might not be the same as before, but he knows Sakura can see immediately through him if there are thoughts running through his head.

He saw Sakura leaning against the table; her left arm folded across her chest on the table and her right folded at the elbow as she grips her phone. She finally took off her gloves, the said item tossed in her bag. When he placed down the tray, she took her eyes off the phone and gave him a small smile. As he sat down he heard, "Thanks." He just nodded as a reply. What can he say anyway?

"Was that Kakashi sensei back there earlier?", she asked. "I think I saw his anti-gravity hair but didn't see his mask coz you were blocking it." She laughed a bit as she sips her tea.

_Anti-gravity hair_, he chuckled inwardly. He fought a laugh as well_, _"Aa. He just annoyed me."

She giggled, "That old man, still nosy as hell huh? For a guy, he's so nosy that it's borderline intrusive! But why didn't he come over and talk to me? We haven't seen each other for so long! Wow, so much for being his favorite pupil."

He sipped his hot coffee as he looked at her, "He likes his porn better than you."

She almost choked with her muffin. "True, but at least I know what he looks like underneath," she smugly commented while smothering a chuckle.

Sasuke's eyes widened, silently asking her to confirm if what he heard was right. She laughed a bit and teasingly said, "Don't worry. You're still much better looking. Though he's a really close second, I'm telling you." Then she laughed again, making him smile genuinely.

Sasuke's heart squeezed a little. It was just like old times when they were teens, with their gazes lingering a bit too long to consider as a friendly look. They did this a lot when they were in high school having study breaks in the coffee shop near their school. Their undying affectionate banter filling up their space. Even when surrounded by friends, they always seem to have their own little world where only the two of them exist.

They were each other's first love. And right at this moment, 6 years past the best and worst times of his life, Sasuke's heart lit up with inexplicable spark. One more smile from her and he will lit up like forest fire.

A shrill of a phone ringing caught his attention.

A radiant grin from her caught his breath..

and a glimmer of something shiny on her left hand stopped it altogether.

It all happened in slow motion — the way her eyes shift from him to the black device on the table, the way her teeth were slowly revealed as she smiled brightly after seeing the name of the caller, the way her left hand's ring finger containing the offending platinum band with a diamond hurt his eyes as she accepts the call.

Then he heard her sweetly say, "Neji-kun."

And the forest fire of hope inside him dissipates with the heavy rain of his despair falling down on him.

* * *

_-fin-_


	2. Special Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She just buried her face on his clothed chest, murmuring his name on her sleep. Sasuke felt her arm wrapped around his waist and her leg lifted to his hip. His heart ached.
> 
> ’It hurts. It hurts so much. Please.’
> 
> With a kiss on her forehead, a face buried against her neck as his eyes gathered moisture, a pair of arms wrapped around her tight as if embedding her to him — Sasuke lets go.

**Special Chapter**

* * *

** _7 years ago_ **

_"You don't have to do this, Sasuke."_

_The melancholy and heartbreak behind his mother's words are heard that he almost choked. He can't look at her eyes, at both of his parents' eyes, because they'll know he's weak. He's crippled by the death of his one and only brother, the weight of his new responsibilities as the heir, and the inevitable impending doom of his relationship with Sakura._

_He's absolutely terrified._

_It's been a week since they buried Itachi, gone too soon because he chose to be the martyr, as he always does._

_'Did', Sasuke corrected in his mind. 'The bastard.'_

_He gave a long sigh, still with his eyes glued on the table. He never saw the sympathy from his mother's eyes, as well as the concern on his father's._

_It was a long week for him. It almost felt like years. He had been running on autopilot since then. How can you function when a big part of yourself died? The part of him where Itachi occupied, and will always occupy, is now a giant void in his being. He felt hollow. Numb. Dead._

_The only moments he felt he's somehow a real person, alive and breathing, is when Sakura's holding his hand, whispering love and patience, loving him in tenderness and compassion._

_Memories of her voice coming through his phone when he called her that night of Itachi's incident pierces his heart. He remembered his barely coherent words of disbelief and agony tumbling from his blubbering mouth; the echo of his voice saying 'He's gone, Sakura. He's gone. Itachi's gone' as if saying it will make it less real; and the reassurance he felt when she said that he needs to hold on because she's coming to him._

_She's the only anchor he's got right now and the thought of letting her go because of his newly acquired burdens is so painful already. He felt his chest tighten. He's scared as shit, not knowing what to do. He knows that he has to do this, to do what Itachi would've done._

_But there's a voice inside his head and his heart saying, 'But you're no martyr, asshole. You're not Itachi. You're Sasuke and you're a selfish prick. What the fuck are you doing?'_

_His father's voice echoed through the empty living room as he spoke, getting Sasuke out of his reminiscing, "I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. But you're right.. I need you. I can never trust anyone else other than you to take care of this, Sasuke."_

_"But he's still just a kid. He's just 19 for god's sake, Fugaku! He has his dreams to take," Mikoto retorted. Her eyes are welling up with tears, Sasuke knows this even if he doesn't see it. He can hear it from her voice and it makes him ache on the inside._

_"He's not gonna be 19 forever, Mikoto," Fugaku answered back. "I gave him a choice on this matter, and he's decided."_

_Mikoto cried, "Don't you think it's too soon? I just buried my first-born just barely a week ago and now we're discussing how you're gonna ruin my youngest's life just like you did with Itachi?!"_

_The way her voice cracked when she said his brother's name broke his heart. She's still grieving, probably forever, and here they are talking about Sasuke's suicide._

_His mother turned to him and said, "Sasuke, you can say no to all of this. I don't want you living your life like Itachi used to. I don't want you missing out on the world you still have to experience." She's all-out crying now, her tears streaming down her face. Sasuke is trembling from fighting the urge to look at her face._

_"Sasuke," she whispered brokenly. "Please."_

_Fugaku just turned his gaze away from his wife and son. He didn't want to do this either. He saw how this changed Itachi's life, how his eldest son slowly deteriorated before his eyes because of the responsibilities he had to carry as the heir of their company. But he heard no complaints from him — always a smile on his face saying "Don't worry, father. I made my choice, and I choose our family." As much as it made him proud, it also made him feel regretful and guilty. Itachi never experienced the life he always wanted, and for that, Fugaku will always blame himself. Now his youngest son is going to do the same thing, and he's here yet again to see it all unfold._

_Conflicted as he is, Sasuke has decided. He will continue what Itachi started. He will take on the role of the new heir and take over the company. He'll take care of it, as much as Itachi did for these past years._

_It will cost him a lot_, too much,_ but he will do it for the memory of his dead brother. He will take on the role of the martyr he never was, and take on the life his mother fought so hard not to taint him._

_"I'll do it," he finally whispered to his parents. He took a deep breath and faced them for the first time since they started talking. "For Itachi."_

_The living room of the Uchiha household that night witnessed fear, pain, and heartbreak — Fugaku's fear over the effects of all these on Sasuke, Mikoto's pain over the decision of her only living son, and Sasuke's heartbreak over the course of action he's gonna take after this night_.

_Tonight_ _ will be the last night.. and he had never been more scared in his life._

* * *

_Sasuke went up to Sakura's apartment right after his talk with his parents. Walking around the city towards her place felt like a lifetime ago when he finally reached her door._

_He didn't need to knock. After almost 2 years of being together, they both have a key to their place — he to her apartment, and she to his house and room. Sasuke inserted the key to her door and silently opened it._

_Sakura's one-bedroom apartment is slightly dimmed. The short hallway that leads to her small living room with a sofa and a flat-screen tv is silent as he closed the door._

_As soon as her scent hit his nose, he was flooded by memories from when they were friends til they became lovers — the two of them playing chess on the living room floor with, of course, her always beating him in every intense game; them watching horror movies while sitting on her couch and eating whatever he cooked for them; both of them with Naruto on the small veranda, talking and bickering until dawn; him kissing her on the cheek for the first time on her doorstep before he left her place, her looking up at him with those damned eyes of hers; them never making it on her bedroom after a huge argument that ended up with them having sex against the wall right beside her front door. Sasuke turned to look at it and remembered how hot and intense that was, and it only made his heart constrict more._

_He wished this was only another silly argument that will inevitably end up with them tangled on each other, breathing each other's breath, and the same intense emotions running through their systems as they come high and come together._

_Because that's the only way for Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura — they might fly to another place, leave for another planet, escape to another universe — but they always come back to where they belong._

_Together. With each other._

_His feet dragged him further into her apartment where he feels more at home with than his own house. Almost two years of being in Sakura's arms, basking every day in her love and support, really does that to anyone. Even the toughest of men can become a puddle just by letting your gaze linger too long on her. That's how powerful she is._

_He stopped when he reached the slightly opened door of her bedroom. Sasuke always chastises her with her lack of regards for her safety but with the heaviness of his heart at the moment, he can't seem to care about it. All he wants right now is to see her and sleep this nightmare off. He opened the door silently and he saw her._

_With her comforter up to her chin, he couldn't see what she's wearing. But knowing her, she might be wearing one of his old high school t-shirts that she stole from him. She likes to flaunt it to him whenever he's there for sleepovers, and he's always there to make sure she gets the attention she deserves._

_She's sleeping now, her pink hair in a messy knot at the top of her hair and her green irises currently hidden by her closed lids with those curled eyelashes. Her mouth is slightly opened and a soft snore can be heard where he stood by the doorway. His eyes soften at the scene._

_Normal. Nothing new. Constant._

_But it never fails to make him feel like it's the most extraordinary sight to see.. only for him though. Only for him._

_But this will all stop after this night. He will never be able to see this scene ever again and it eats Sasuke on the inside. He fought the choked sound that threatened to come out of his mouth as realization hits._

_'Why did you fucking agree to this fucked up shit, you dumbass? Why did you have to bring this upon her? Upon the both of you?'_

_As if sensing the turmoil in his whole being, Sakura shifted in her sleep. Her brows met and she let out a soft grunt as she turned to her side. A few moments later, her breathing went back to an even tempo and Sasuke knew she went back to sleep. He let out a pained breath._

_Sasuke gently closed her door and approached her side of the bed. He slowly knelt on the floor facing her, his hand traveling from the soft mattress to her cheek. He traced her jaw with his finger gently, afraid that she might finally wake up._

_How many nights has he done this? How many nights has he soaked in his reality that Sakura is there with him, all loving and soft and true? How many nights did he spend just looking at her sleeping face, praying to a god he doesn't believe in anymore that she will stay by his side forever?_

_He pulled away his hand, folded it on the mattress together with his other hand and laid his chin on them, boring his dark eyes onto her face. He can hear the faint sound of her clock ticking, as if reminding him that this is the last time... that there is no time. But he paid no heed to it because right at this moment, there is still the two of them in this four-cornered room where they made love for the first time; where she first laid her guards down for him to see underneath her pinks and greens; where he first thought he can never love anyone as much as he loves Haruno Sakura._

_They still exist at this moment, and he will treasure every single second left._

_He stood up and went to the other side of the bed to pull off his sweater and his pants, leaving him in his black tshirt and boxers. He gently lifted her comforter and slipped in beside her at her back. His arm went under her neck to wrap around her shoulders, and the other on around her waist to pull her closer to him. He held on to her as tight as his wide-shut eyes. Sasuke inhaled deep and smelled regret, longing and love._

_He felt her move. Her hands softly caressed the arm on her waist and gently squeezed. Her gestures only made Sasuke more desperate to hold her so he tightened his grip on her, only to loosen it a bit for he felt her moving around to face him._

_Sasuke never saw her lids reveal those orbs he already misses, and he never demanded it. He thought it's for the best, for he knows his strong façade will crumble once he sees those eyes of hers. They have always been his weakness. _She_ will always be._

_She just buried her face on his clothed chest, murmuring his name on her sleep. Sasuke felt her arm wrapped around his waist and her leg lifted to his hip. His heart ached._

_'It hurts. It hurts so much. Please.'_

_With a kiss on her forehead, a face buried against her neck as his eyes gathered moisture, a pair of arms wrapped around her tight as if embedding her to him — Sasuke lets go._

* * *

'"_Let's break up. I don't want this anymore. I don't want you anymore, Sakura."_

_Words I don't even mean came out of my mouth. I don't know what I'm doing. What is happening to me?_

_I saw her face then, and I wish I never did. She looked so devastated, her tears silently rolling down her cheeks while her eyes spoke a million things._

_Wait! I don't mean them! Don't cry! Please! I love you!_

_I desperately wanted to scream these words out loud, but all I do was just stare blankly at her. I don't see my face but I know it's in that cold expression I show everyone except her. Never to her. She's everything to me. I love her. I love her so much._

_Her voice came ringing into my ear, utterly devoid of life and the Sakura-ness of her tone. "I hate you."_

_I saw her spit those three words and I braced myself for the pain but nothing came. All I felt was cold detachment and I wanted to punch my face to feel something. What the fuck is wrong with me?!_

_Sakura turned around and ran away from me. I will my legs to move, to follow her, to chase her and never let her go. But my damn self just continues to stand there and follow her retreating form with my blank eyes._

_Until I heard a loud screech and then colliding sounds of metal to flesh. Then, a scrunch. I followed the sound with my gaze and found Sakura on the road, her blood spilling beneath her head. It's pooling underneath her small form and the pink cashmere sweater, my favorite, that she wore for me absorbing the crimson liquid of her life._

_I screamed inside, but still, my feet won't move. I continue to watch as she struggles to breathe, as she cranes her neck to the sky to take a breath to her lungs._

_Sakura! Sakura! Sakura!_

_I don't know what the fuck is happening. This never meant to happen. I never wanted this. I don't want this. Please. Please. Please. Someone!_

_People with blurred faces started to crowd over her dying form in the middle of the road. They're all staring at her, watching her slowly die. Some even took pictures and some even scoffed as if it's a joke. Can't they fucking call an ambulance?! Help her!_

_A figure from the car that hit her emerged from the dark. The headlights of the car illuminated the scene and made the face of the driver unrecognizable. Then he spoke, using a voice that sounds so fucking familiar._

_"You killed her."_

_The crowd opened up and the dark figure stepped forward to crouch beside Sakura's now dead body. I can finally see the gruesome scene — her eyes are open revealing green eyes now dull without light in them, her mouth slightly opened as blood came out._

_The headlights now illuminated the driver's face and the sight made me tremble from within._

_The driver is me._

_I killed her._

_"You killed her, Sasuke," the man who is me beside Sakura told me again. He reached out to lift her head for me to see her dead face clearly. He looked at me as well and I wanted to scream. I wanted to look away but I can't._

_Please. Make it stop._

_I killed her._

_"You killed her!", he shouted out. Anger, frustration, pain — all in those three words. "You killed her, you fucking coward!"_

_Then the blurred faces of the crowd slowly turned to me one by one, revealing their faces that made me want to die._

_They're all Sakura, bloodied cheeks and lifeless eyes and all that she isn't supposed to be. And one by one, they chanted the same thing._

_"You killed me."_

_"You killed me."_

_"You killed me."_

_"You killed me."_

_"You killed me."_

_It never stops. In my head, it never stopped. It all started on a whisper and now they're all shouting it to the heavens and I'm desperately gasping for air and I killed her and I killed her and I killed her and I wanted to die._

_I want to die._

_Someone. Please._

_Sakura!'_

* * *

_"Sasuke!"_

_Sasuke woke up with a gasp, his hand automatically reached out to his chest as if trying to hold his beating heart. His eyes are wild and frantic, his skin bathing in cold sweat that made his t-shirt cling to them. He felt hands running over his chest and arms, and he heard soothing noises beside him. His eyes, filled with quiet dread, found her awakened form leaning over him and wearing his white high school t-shirt with those eyes showing concern and support._

_'You're alive,' he said in his thoughts. He didn't know he said it out loud when he heard Sakura answer._

_"It's just a dream, Sasuke-kun," her soft voice found its way to him, somehow calming his frantic heartbeat. Her hand is now on top of his chest, the other brushing his hair away from his sweaty face._

_"Y-you.. you died," Sasuke stammered under his breath, his eyes roaming all over her face, checking for some speck of blood or evidence of her tears. His fingers found her cheek, slowly traced them as his eyes do the same._

_He continued with his voice slowly becoming softer and softer, "I saw you.. you ran a-.. you ran away from me and then t-the car hit you and it was because of me and I ki-.."_

_He stopped abruptly. His hand fell away from her face and Sasuke looked at her, eyes wide open reflecting horror and pain. He opened his mouth to speak but they won't come out._

_'I killed you,' he wanted to say, but he got choked up with the words and now he's seriously trying hard to breathe._ _He's gasping for air again, still looking at Sakura, and he can see how she tried to calm him down and let him breathe. He can't hear anything other than his heart beating too loudly against his chest as if trying to get out._

_Sasuke suddenly found himself being lifted by Sakura, still trying to calm him down. He's now sitting on the bed, and she's kneeling on it facing him, running her hands over him as she slays his demons down._

_"I'm here," he heard her murmur under her breath. "I'm here, Sasuke-kun. It was just a dream. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."_

_He's now sagged against her, his terrifying nightmare finally taken its toll on him that it made him feel like he's made of jelly. His head is now cradled by Sakura against her chest, making him hear the pounding of her heart, and letting him know she's alive._

_That lone fact made Sasuke's heart constrict, and made him release a quiet breath of relief. His arms found their way around her small figure, tighten them and crushed her against him for him to feel her more.. to really know that she's there and not dead._

_A_ _whimper came out of his mouth because of too much emotion, but he smothered them by pushing his face against her neck. Sasuke breathes her in and thinks 'she's alive she's alive she's alive' as her scent and warmth greeted him back. He felt her own face on his hair, soothing words still spilling from her lips._

_"I got you, Sasuke-kun," she says. "I got you. I got you. It's okay, I got you."_

_It's all not enough for Sasuke so he pulled his head away from her creamy neck and faced her. He saw her green irises and her pink lips and he loves her, so he grabbed her head and kissed her hard on her mouth._

_Sasuke is still gripped by fear and the hard pounding of his heart says it all. It won't go away even as he roughly kissed her, drowning himself in the pleasure of hearing her quiet moans and tasting her delicious tongue. He pushed her down the bed and leaned over her. His hands found her knees and spread them wide open, only to grind himself against her. They moaned together._

_But the image of her dead form bathing in her own blood is still vivid on his head, so he kissed her harder with his trembling hands running all over her body. His hand found his way under his old thin shirt she was wearing and grasped her breast, while his other hand is tightly wrapped around the hair on her nape. His lips are now on her neck, biting and sucking and kissing, and her moans and grunts are now loud and needy._

_Sasuke left her neck to push up her worn shirt, only to place his hot mouth on her aching breast. He thoroughly sucked her hardened peak, earning him a low moan of pleasure, and in his frantic state, he still felt his dick hardened in response. He moaned in return and continued his assault on the other as his hand traveled down to her panties and inside them._

_He almost growled when he found her already wet and ready for him. Sasuke removed his lips from her chest and looked at her face. She's panting and biting her lip hard, her hands both wound around his neck. Her eyes stare back up at him hidden in half-closed lids, her mouth agape. His long fingers found its way inside her and he heard her gasp of surprise but later turned into a mumbled version of his name as his fingers picked up its pace._

_"Sasuke-kun," Sasuke heard her voice laced with desire and lust that he couldn't help but kiss her for it, and he almost came right then and there when his tongue entered her warm mouth. His fingers abruptly pulled out from her and tugged her panties off, almost ripping it in half in his aggression. He heard her gasp in pain for a second but he paid it no mind._ _All he could think about at the moment was being inside of her._

_He tugged his boxers down, not even taking it off completely. In his mind, if he's not inside her in the next second, the nightmare is gonna get her and he's gonna lose her for real and he couldn't take that. Being deep within her, that's the only thing that will ensure his fears of being far away from her._

_Sasuke gave his hard member a few pumps before he slowly put on his tip against her clit to rub several times, and finally went down to enter her. His eyes almost rolled at the back of his head because she's gripping him tightly inside her and he couldn't help but curse aloud._

_"Fuck," he panted against her neck. His tongue darted out to lick her skin coated in her own sweat and his saliva. Sasuke inhaled deeply as he pulled out completely before slamming into her again._

_He's afraid he might see her with dead eyes and her mouth full of blood so he kept her face on her neck, never even thinking for a moment that he's now fucking her like a madman. Her cries of both pain and pleasure reverberate around her room, her hands desperately hanging onto his clothed back, clawing at his shirt for support. Her slender legs are tightly wrapped around his hips as he's gripping her thighs while he pushed in and out of her fast and hard. He couldn't hear a thing except his own mind._

_'Don't go. Stay with me. Don't leave me.'_

_He didn't even hear himself whimpering throughout._

_He closed his eyes tightly and focused on ramming into her, desperate and almost out of breath but he continued plunging into her until he felt her hands holding his head to face her._

_Sasuke stopped his movements as they both looked into each other, both panting and flushed, still joined as one. Her green eyes roamed his face, searching for something he can't tell. "Hey," she whispered._

_His breath comes in puffs hitting her mouth and vice versa. He can feel her hot breath on his face and he badly wanted to look down to admire her opened mouth but her wide eyes are slowly sucking him in. He couldn't let himself look away even with his blurred vision._

_Sakura kissed him gently on the lips, brushing them together once, and then pecked him again. "It's alright. You're here. We're here, Sasuke-kun."_

_Then he felt her fingers wipe away his damp cheeks. Not from sweat, but from his tears._

_It's been a week after Itachi's funeral, and he never cried since. He never cried in front of anyone that time, not even Sakura. He let it all out once he got the chance to enter Itachi's room after the service, and he cried himself to sleep on his dead brother's bed._

_And now, his tears silently rolled down his cheeks. Looking at her now, he sees it all — her in a white lab coat as he picks her up from work, her in a white wedding dress as she walks down the aisle, her in a white apron as she cooks for him and their future children._

_All these possibilities, all these dreams; it hasn't even begun and now it's all ending. He remembers his responsibilities now as an heir, and remembers the promise he made for his parents and Itachi._

_'Itachi was supposed to marry someone from our business partner clan when he turns 25. Unfortunately, the incident happened and now we're left with another decision to make,' he remembered his father explain. 'So we came up to an agreement to let you focus on your training first, as Itachi did, and then wed you to their daughter.'_

_He remembers the numbness that gripped him when his father's words sank in. He said yes and nodded like a robot throughout, steeled his heart and reminded himself that this is not for him but for his brother._

_This is why he decided to make this last night with her memorable. He simply just wanted to lie down with her on her bed where they first made love, and hold her as she sleeps. He said to himself that he will be content with the memories, and that he is thankful for the chance to love her and to be loved back by her._

_Sasuke is still looking at her with his eyes still shedding tear after tear. He'd rather lose her like that than lose her as he lost her in his nightmare. He'd rather lose her by letting her go than lose her by death._

_Sakura's hands held his face between them and let her thumb graze his lips, fingers the valley of his nose and cheeks as she wipes away his tears._

_"I'm sorry," Sasuke whispered to her. He found confusion on her irises and he continued, "I'm sorry for everything."_

_'I'm sorry for letting you go, Sakura.'_

_She continued to look at him. She stared long, but with soft eyes. Then she shook her head, "No."_

_She said it with so much strength and conviction he will never ever have and it took his breath away. She proceeded, "We are going through this together. We'll make it." Then she smiled at him, soft and tender. "You have to try harder than that, Sasuke-kun. You can't get rid of me that easy."_

_He knows that she's thinking about his dream. She knows him too much that even if he doesn't speak out loud, she knows what he's thinking. Right now, Sasuke knows Sakura is thinking he was so shook by his dream about her dying by his hands that he wants to get away from her to protect her. It's Sasuke's nature to bring it all upon himself, and then blame his own as well. Add that to the previous death of his brother, Sakura would think it's about Itachi. And he would like to be alone, as he always does._

_Sasuke thought of telling her the things he has to do — the company, the training, the marriage _ _in 6 years_ _ to a person he still doesn't know about. He thought of telling her the truth — that he already let her go, let them both go, let their futures go. It's inevitable, and by breaking up with her now, it will spare them both of the pain and heartbreak they might face if they continue this._

_He let go. He really did. No matter how much it pained him, he decided to. He uncurled his fingers one by one around the person he's held onto tightly for so long._

_But those eyes.. those powerful eyes of hers. They know. They know what he's trying to do and they won't let him. He can see the fire within her orbs, her determination to stay with him burning in her emeralds._

'_I can't, Itachi. Give me more time,' he pleaded his brother. Before he came __tonight__ in her place, he's decided that this will be their last night. But now he selfishly chose himself, his happiness, for once._

_'Give me this one, aniki.'_

_And so Sasuke once again wrapped his fingers around his person, and held on for dear life for he knows it's not gonna be easy._

_Still inside her, he softly pressed his mouth against hers, a polar opposite of the way he ravaged her lips earlier. His lips curled around hers, silently acquiesced with her statement. He gently pulled himself out of her, then slowly went back in._

_He shivered in the way she called his name in pleasure, her teeth clamping on his shoulder and her nails dragging his shirt off him. He did the same to her when he's free of the cloth, and kissed her again._

_They slowly built their pace; gentle and sweet at first, but then as they fill themselves with emotions, hers with understanding and him with trepidation about his current predicament, it turned into a wild frenzy of fear, lust and love. She's scratching and he's biting and she's moaning and he's grunting and they're both desperate, trying to give each other the solace they need._

_She knows something is wrong but she kept going, still giving him all the love she could give in this time of desolation because of Itachi's death._

_He knows something is wrong but he kept going, still giving her all the love still left in him in this time of desperation because of Itachi's death._

_They both know something is wrong. But they both know that there will always be something right — this._

_He went harder and faster, and her moans went louder and stronger. His hands spread her thighs wider, and her hands grabbed and pushed his ass deeper. His endless black found her bright green, and both panted through their open mouths._

_"I love you," she whispered to him, heartfelt and true. Her words traveled all the way to his veins and he knows it's too late because he's in too deep. He was in deep the first time he ever saw her face._

_In the midst of their tryst, she cried out her release and Sasuke bathed in the image of her underneath him, moaning in ecstasy with her eyes closed and her mouth wide open. He stored it in his mind for him to remember when everything is over._

_He followed shortly after, his climax hitting him hard, making him out of breath and nearly delirious with pleasure. He buried his face on her neck and he felt her hands run over his mane._

_He is aware that this might be the last time he's gonna be able to say it back, even though his original plan of breaking up with her _ _tonight_ _ has changed. He's aware he's being selfish, but that's the only thing he's good at. He's not even good at loving her._

_He's good at being selfish enough to stay with her for as long as he can._

_And so he pulled away from her neck and looked down on her, finding that she's already peering up at him. She never asks for an answer whenever she says those three words because she already knows that he does. But _ _tonight_ _, he says it back, as truthful and as painful as it is._

_"I love you, Sakura."_

_She smiled. Sasuke doesn't know if he wants that smile or not._

* * *

_Days turned to weeks; weeks turned to months. It has been almost 6 months after Itachi's death, and it also has been that long since he made love to Sakura._

_Don't get him wrong. They still have sex occasionally. But whenever they do it, which is seldom compare to before when they do it like rabbits, it always feels so rushed, angry and desperate. No more lazy morning sex or rare romantic nights after a dinner date._

_Sasuke even forgot their second year anniversary, which obviously made Sakura down, but he knows that she gave him the benefit of the doubt. After all, Itachi's death was 2 weeks before their anniversary._ _The wound was still fresh not just for Sasuke, but to all of them as well._

_It all just came spiraling down after that. Sasuke dropped out of the university completely to focus on training for the company. His dream of becoming a lawyer was locked away at the back of his head and the bottom of his heart, never to see the light of day again. His father wanted him to see how the company works first before he studies business officially._

_He rarely sees Sakura anymore. She calls him every day, but he doesn't pick up often. Sometimes it's because he's busy with his training, but most of the time, he doesn't accept the call in purpose. He doesn't want to hear her voice sounding so achingly sad. He knows he will crumble and go see her and they run away together where nobody could find them._

_Sasuke knows he's hurting her. He barely takes her out to a spontaneous lunch date or a surprise movie night-out. When they do see each other, it's almost awkward that he could taste it in his mouth. He couldn't even look at her in the eyes for more than five seconds and not look away. When they touch each other, it takes all of his control not to flinch. When they have sex, it's all a blur of pained green eyes and dead black ones._

_The guilt is eating him from the inside, and his outside nonchalance for their dying relationship is eating her._

_Sometimes, he wishes that she takes the initiative and leave his sorry ass because he knows he's not strong enough to leave her. Sasuke tried it once, and look where that got him — still holding onto her and watch as she slowly deteriorates in front of his very eyes._

_He knows._

_He_ _knows it's only a matter of time. But his selfish self still wants her, even if that means breaking her; ruining her. Because if she's not there with him, what is he? Who is he? So he holds on to her — leaving bruises on her soul and splattering crimson streaks of guilt on his own being. He knows he's going to hell._

_He might as well be there already._

* * *

_On the eve of his 20th birthday, he finally met the family of the girl he's supposed to marry when he reaches 25. And surprise, surprise — the Uzumaki's._

_He's been friends with Naruto since he was young and the Uchiha's has always been good friends with the blond's family. Mikoto and Kushina were classmates since high school and throughout college while Fugaku and Minato have been rivals just as long. Plus the fact that their family is one of their business partners, he should've known._

_His dark eyes found red behind slim black frames, and Karin Uzumaki nodded in understanding._

_Before this said dinner, they met beforehand to talk privately. Thanks to his loudmouth of a best friend, Naruto told him that he overheard his parents talking to Minato and Kushina about the said merger. The issue of a wedding made Naruto choke on his ramen and immediately called Sasuke. At first, Naruto thought about his own wedding. He's betrothed to someone but he still yet to know. Sasuke heard the relief, as well as the concern, on his best friend's voice._

_Sasuke already knew who she was, of course, being Naruto's only sibling that's only a year younger. But he never really paid any attention to her, except when there are business and family gatherings. He knows her as loud as her brother, but could be tightlipped and calm as her parents._

_They talked about this upcoming wedding and what they thought of it. Sasuke informed her that he's involved with Sakura for almost 3 years now. He learned that she's single and has never dated nor been in love with someone._

_Sasuke was asked why did he agree on this and he said the truth about Itachi. Karin, in response, said that she only wants what's best for their company._

_"Besides," she added. "I don't have anyone else. Might as well just marry you instead of being alone. Plus, you're not hideous."_

_"Hn."_

_"What does your girl says about all this, by the way? She must've been an extraordinary one to keep up with your stony face all the time."_

_He didn't answer. Besides, Sakura knows nothing about all this. She's aware of his new role as heir and his responsibilities that comes along with it, but not this arranged marriage shit. He couldn't tell her._

_Sasuke was taken back to their current dinner when he heard Karin clear her throat. He looked at her and she glared back, obviously annoyed by his daydreaming._

_"Pardon?" Fugaku sternly asked. He seemed to be surprised by whatever Karin previously said._

_Kushina also seemed to be perplexed. She looked at Minato briefly then turned to Karin and asked, "You both want to what?"_

_Even before Karin turned white, Sasuke rescued her by saying, "We both want to postpone the engagement."_

_At the corner of his eye, Sasuke saw Naruto look back and forth towards the two parties and silently slurped his water._

_"Sasuke," his father coldly looked at him. He continued to be unfazed. "You cannot. We already prepared for the announcement next month. You can't just decide about these things without informing us."_

_"I did not say cancel. I only said postpone," he bit back just as coldly while looking directly at Fugaku. His father's eyes flashed for a second, surprised again by his tone. He continued, "Karin and I would be the ones getting married. It's our wedding, therefore, it's our shots."_

_Karin immediately added, "We just don't want to rush it. The wedding will be _ _in 5 years_ _ time, anyway. Don't you think it's a bit weird to be engaged for that whole five years?" Karin looked at Sasuke for a brief moment then said, "We want to be engaged on the year of the wedding. Then you can announce it to everyone."_

_Minato thought about it for a while, then he smiled. "I understand." He turned to Fugaku and Mikoto then, "Let's give this one to the kids. Marriage is not an easy chore. They could get engaged in the year they're gonna marry. No big deal."_

_Sasuke noted with the way Kushina glared at Minato when he used the word 'chore' for marriage. Apparently, Minato shares the same thoughts with Mikoto. They're both against arranged marriage because they both experienced the same thing. Yes, it all turned out well for them since they grew to love Kushina and Fugaku. But nothing is certain, especially to any relationship. It would be hard as hell, and as parents, they don't want their children to suffer._

_Kushina rubbed her temple by then and released a heavy sigh. She looked fondly at Mikoto and say, "We both have stubborn children, my friend. We might as well agree on their terms."_

_Mikoto saw her husband ready to retort but she put a hand on his arm and smiled at her friend, "I understand, Kushina. Of course. We'll support them." She looked at Karin to smile at her, then at Sasuke to give him her supportive glance. Sasuke can clearly see that his mother was relieved because of their decision._

_On the way home that night, minutes before the clock strikes _ _midnight_ _ for his birthday, the Uchiha's were silent throughout the ride home. Sasuke can still feel the dark aura surrounding his father. Fugaku was not impressed by his display of authority. Sasuke couldn't give two shits. He just wants to go home._

_They finally reached their home and entered it. Sasuke continuously walked towards the stairs to his room when Fugaku's voice pierced through the silence._

_"When will you tell Haruno that you're supposed to marry someone else?"_

_Sasuke stilled at the cold query, his fists automatically balled into fists as he fights for self-control to talk back at his father aggressively. He didn't see the clenched hand of his mother on Fugaku's arm._

_He controlled his breathing and quietly said without looking back, "Sakura." He turned his head sideways, still not looking at them. "Her name is Sakura."_

_Fugaku ignored the way his son's seething voice. He continued to pry, "You should've cut your ties with her a long time ago. You're only making this harder for the both of you."_

_'Don't you think I don't know that?!' Sasuke wanted to scream aloud. 'Don't you think this isn't painful enough?! Don't you think I'm slowly killing her?'_

_But his father couldn't hear his silent pleas unlike Sakura, "You're gonna marry Karin Uzumaki. You should stop seeing her by now."_

_Fugaku was relentless, and Sasuke knows he got this from him. He's been living all his life jealous of Itachi because his aniki got all his good traits from their mother. He was gentle and would've been so, so good to his future family. Meanwhile there's him, sucking all the hard traits from their father. His competitive streak, arrogant way of speaking, harsh words — it's all Fugaku. And suddenly, he feels so exhausted._

_Fugaku was still talking about the consequences of his actions and Mikoto was still trying to stop him when they both saw Sasuke looking back at them. The sight nearly made them nervous._

_Moonlight comes in, illuminating the eerily cold and empty house. They saw their son with his head looking back at them, dressed in all-black like someone just died again. His dark eyes were hollow and Mikoto put her hand on her chest, feeling her beating heart aching for her son. Then he whispered._

_"I love her."_

_It was soft and quiet, but his parents knew it was solid and true. It was in the crack in his voice, the shake in his hands on the banister, and the vulnerability in his eyes. They continued to look at him as the clock struck 12._

_That awoke Sasuke in his stupor and the walls on his eyes were seen again. Mikoto tried not to cry and Fugaku stood still, feeling like an asshole._

_"But don't fret father," he coldly stated, turning his head back to continue walking up the stairs. He took one, two, three steps; then he stopped for a second just to say, "I'm keeping my promise."_

_Mikoto and Fugaku Uchiha watched as their son disappeared upstairs to his room, the first day of his 20th year looking bleak and weary as the first splatter of heavy rain was heard in their household._

* * *

_It was the first snowfall of winter, he'll remember once he's bereft with only his remorse to keep him company._

_Months passed by and they could feel the upcoming winter. Autumn leaves were long forgotten and frigid air came howling for a few weeks now. Sasuke feels restless. He feels something is coming up apart from the winter he's starting to hate_ _ever since his brother's passing. Something gnaws at his gut and he couldn't focus._

_He was driving towards Sakura's apartment, picking her up for their dinner. It's been almost 3 weeks since they last saw each other and Sakura finally convinced him to have dinner together. He booked a reservation in a classy restaurant in autopilot, already dreading the upcoming reunion._

_"I miss you," she simply said through the phone. Sasuke bit back words such as 'I miss you, too' and 'Forgive me' and 'I love you'; only to utter a cold and detached, "Aa." He didn't get a reply after that, but he thought he heard a faint sniff on the other line before it went dead._

_When he got to her apartment, he simply honked the horn of his car. It's been too long since he had been inside her place, knowing that there are too many vivid memories living inside it. He couldn't risk being in there. He knows he won't make it out alive._

_A few moments later, Sakura emerged from the white door of her flat. And just like it always did to Sasuke, it all happened in slow motion. 'What a fucking cliché,' he thought._

_Wrapped in a plain black sweater and red coat, lean legs in faded jeans, feet in her favorite sneakers — she looked beautiful. Even with those dark circles under her green eyes, she looked absolutely stunning to Sasuke._

_Every step she takes as she makes her way to his car made his heart squeeze itself. He wanted to bury himself in her, to live inside her bones and just stay there so he could escape this reality. This is his reality now — no more dream, no more Itachi; and pretty soon, no more Sakura._

_'It hurts,' Sasuke thought. 'It hurts, aniki.'_

_It has been a habit of his since Itachi was gone. He talks to him in his head. Sometimes, he could pretend enough that his brother answers him back. _ _Tonight_ _, Itachi's as silent as a dead can be._

_Sakura finally reached the passenger door and slipped inside the car. She turned to face him, her face lighting up and her mouth curling upwards. She shyly greeted him, "Hi."_

_Sasuke continued to stare, his eyes roaming around her face. He noted the slight pink of her cheeks, and he knows it's not just from the cold. There was an urge to smirk, but he fought it. She could just sit there and do nothing, and Sasuke would still be more of a mess than he already was._

_After a while, he mumbled back. "Hi."_

_She smiled then, and slowly leaned towards him. She brushed her lips on his once, then pecked him lightly. Sakura brought her hands up and cradled his face, "You look thin. Are you eating well?"_

_Sasuke only nodded in response, not trusting his own voice not to crack under pressure. He could smell her — peaches and cream. He could see her — pinks and greens. He could taste her — mint and home._

_'I missed you so much.'_

_He pulled away, making her hands drop. He couldn't look at her face. He knows she has that fake smile ready for him when he hurts her. Sasuke had already seen it a hundred times for the past year._

_"I'm fine," he said. "Put your seatbelt on. We're gonna be late."_

_Sasuke didn't hear a response, and he didn't wait for any. He just started the engine and started to drive away for the 20-minute journey to the restaurant._

_The awkwardness and the tension are palpable in the confines of his car. It took all of his control not to groan out of frustration. He just focused on the road, but Sakura is making it a hard time when he knows her gears running on her head._

_Three minutes in and she cracked the silence._

_"How's your training, Sasuke-kun?," she inquired. "I hope they're not exhausting you too much."_

_Sasuke wanted to say that it already took too much of him and now he feels bereft. But as the coward that he is, of course, he can't say that._

_"It's fine," he answered, his tone clipped and straightforward. "I'm okay."_

_He could see her nodding her head through his peripheral, "That's good. Is it hard? I know you can handle it, but I hope you're getting rest. I don't want you getting sick."_

_Her sweet and thoughtful tone made him grind his teeth. Instead of making his heart flutter, it made his gut churn that he wants to vomit right there and then. He doesn't know why but he feels sick. Something is coming up, he can feel it. It's like a flu that you know is coming but you couldn't do shit about it. It made him absolutely nervous._

_Because of this, he answered in his usual response, that he rarely use with Sakura: "Aa."_

_Sasuke felt her look towards him at that. His heart spiked up because of nerves. He knows she's assessing the situation. She's always been good at that. 'Damn it,' Sasuke thought to himself._

_"Sasuke-kun, is everything okay?" she asked._

_'No. Nothing has ever been okay for a long time. It's all falling apart and I'm terrified of what's to come. I don't know what to do.'_

_Sasuke forced himself to sigh and look as if exasperated with her question to cover his true emotions and thoughts, "I'm _fine_, Sakura." He gave emphasis on words to carry more weight and to prove to her, and to himself, that he's really okay. He focused on driving. 15 minutes more and they will arrive._

_It's the longest 15 minutes of his life. The tension he feels is suffocating._

_Sakura is as relentless as him so he should've known that wouldn't budge her because she talked back, "Obviously there's something wrong. You could always tell me, Sasuke-kun. You know that."_

_This slight nagging of hers was slowly getting on his nerves so he blurted out, "Jesus, Sakura, I said I'm fine. Okay?"_

_Anyone who heard that would hear the slight irritation from it, as well as the frustration and exhaustion. He was gripping the steering wheel too hard and his jaw was clenched too tight as he heard her gasp in surprise from his lash out._

_He briefly looked at her and saw her looking down at her lap and biting her lip. It's a habit of hers when she feels insecure and afraid._

_'Great job, asshole,' he thought inwardly. 'You managed to get her fears back with just a few words. Keep this up and she might leave you after this. As she should.'_

_Sasuke ran his hand through his hair, his eyes still digging holes on the road. He exhaled slowly and softly said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that." He knows it wasn't enough but he kept going. "I'm just tired, that's all. Forgive me."_

_It took her a few moments to recover but she looked at him and smiled lightly. She then said, "I understand. Of course. I'm sorry, too."_

_They continued the heavy silence until they reached their destination. Sasuke has always been a silent person, but he almost cursed the deafening silence at that moment that he could feel the words at the back of his throat._

_The dinner was all a blur to Sasuke. They did small talk throughout the course, too casual for lovers of almost 3 years. There was no intimacy that always prevails in any of their activity, whether it's drinking coffee together or making love or holding hands. It made him remember that he already forgot when was the last time they had sex, let alone be asleep on the same bed and cuddling like bears like they used to._

_They only talked about their current activities; him with his company training and her with her subjects at the university. He misses the times they spend together when they both have free period, when they were classmates at literature with Kakashi as their professor that blatantly call them out for doing practically eye-sex from both ends of the room, and when they both roll their eyes at Naruto for dragging them to his favorite ramen place at lunch._

_They also talked about their parents and his cat, Colonel Mustard, and the weather and her new potted plant on her windowsill and a ton of other insignificant things. Sasuke felt that she was itching to talk about more important things but he always stray from those topics. He can see her disappointment every time._

_Next thing he knew, they were exiting the restaurant and walking towards the parking lot. The air was a lot colder than it was before they went inside the establishment. Winter was almost there._

_Sasuke saw Sakura lick her lips multiple times throughout dinner, and it means she's nervous about something. It didn't help his already frayed nerves. It made him more weary of what this night still entails._

_They got inside his car and he drove back to her apartment to drop her off. He can still feel her fidget beside him and he couldn't shake his bad feeling anymore. He asked, "What is it?"_

_"Huh?", she said, startled. He looked back at her for a few seconds and answered back._

_"You're nervous about something. Tell me."_

_Sakura was silent for like forever. She was never like this. She has always been frank with her thoughts and feelings. So this behavior of hers started to irritate him and Sasuke prepared to berate her when she dropped a piece of news._

_"I got into Harvard," she whispered quietly._

_His mind went blank for a moment after she said that. All he could process was some few words._

_Harvard._

_America._

_Far away._

_Without him._

_She continued to talk softly, "I was approached by Professor Shizune. You remember her? She's a former apprentice of Tsunade Senju, the one I was telling you about that's kind of a legend herself? Ms. Shizune apparently told Tsunade about me and Tsunade emailed me, saying I should apply for Harvard. She's currently teaching there._ _Shizune told me I should go."_

_She looked at him then, "I tried, and then last week I got the acceptance letter. I don't know what to do. I didn't tell you right away because I know you have so much on your plate already. I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun."_

_'She did it,' he said to himself. 'She's getting her dream. She always talks about that Tsunade and how much she could learn from her. She finally made it.'_

_He was proud, but the small, ugly and selfish part of him was slowly rearing its head._

_'She's leaving you. She's finally leaving you.'_

_They stopped at a red light, then Sasuke faced her. "Why are you saying sorry? It's okay."_

_His words are soft and true, but his face and eyes say something else. He forced himself to smile, "Congratulations."_

_The light turned green and he stepped on the gas. He didn't dare look at her again. He couldn't breathe, and she said something that made even his heartbeat halt._

_"I'm not going."_

_Sasuke whipped his head towards her, "What? Why?"_

_She looked at him intently and said, "I'm happy here in Tokyo. I'm enjoying my classes and I learn a lot. It's fine for me. It's more than enough."_

_They both know it's not true. She has always been an ambitious one and she will push her limits to get where she wants. Aside from that, she rarely has friends. Sasuke and Naruto have been with her since high school, and then there was her childhood friend back in Kyoto. Now that Sasuke dropped out of the university, he's sure she's always alone, with only the occasional Naruto when their free time match._

_Lastly, they're both aware that if she wants to be the best in the medical field, she must be in the best curriculum. Harvard is practically knocking at her doorstep right now. All she must do is open the door._

_Sasuke knows what she said is true. But he also knows that a big part of her staying here in Japan is sitting just a few inches from her._

_Him._

_He looked away from her then, suddenly angry and frustrated and hurt at once. He doesn't even know to whom. Maybe with her, maybe with the world._

_Definitely with himself._

_'All you do is hold her back,' his own self seethes. 'What else are you good at, asshole?'_

_Sasuke is gripped with so much anger at her words that he gritted his teeth so hard they can both hear it. All he could say was, "No."_

_"Sasuke-kun?"_

_"You will go. You have to."_

_"I don't want to."_

_"Yes, you do. I know you."_

_She flinched at that, "Don't you think it's my decision to make? I decided to stay, and that's that."_

_Sasuke noted the slightly angry tone in her voice and it only fueled him to go harder, "C'mon, Sak. We both know you have nothing left here."_

_Her voice was incredulous when she answered back, "What?!"_

_He scoffed, "Seriously? You have no other friends aside from Naruto and I. You're a shut-in. You don't even have a family with you."_

_Sakura gasped at that. He's aware of what he said and he wanted to take it back, but he was too busy being angry at everything at the moment._

_"Stop the car," she silently asked._

_He pretended not to hear a thing until she literally shouted, "I said stop the fucking car!"_

_Sasuke abruptly swerved towards the side of the road and slammed on the brakes. They were both almost thrown forward if not because of their seatbelts._

_"What the fuck is wrong with you?", Sakura asked him, her voice shaking from too much emotion. Disbelief, pain, rage — Sasuke can taste it in his mouth._

_He looked at her sideways, "What is wrong with me? No, Sak. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're giving up your dream!"_

_"I'm not giving up anything!," she screamed at him. Her eyes are wild and her breath comes in heavy._

_"Oh, really? We both know Harvard is the best thing for you. Don't deny it to yourself. If you don't go now, you might not get another chance."_

_"I don't care! I want to stay here!"_

_"And do what? You're almost bored with your classes. You're always by yourself because you're too absorbed with me that you couldn't even try to talk and befriend anyone else. You're alone even in your own place because you live with too many memories of your dead parents in your old house and you couldn't take it."_

_"Oh you did not just say that," she sputtered. Sakura's eyes are wide with disbelief with his words. "You did not just tell me I should go because I couldn't live with my dead parents' memories. You should know how it feels to lose a loved one."_

_Sasuke regretted those last words. She's right, he should know what it feels like to lose a part of yourself. This argument is getting out of hand and he feels so fucking tired._

_He sighed then looked at her, "What do you want me to say then? Don't leave me? That you shouldn't go? That I want you to stay? That I need you?"_

_"Yes," she said, her voice strong and her eyes determined at him. She nodded her head, "Yes. Tell me to stay. Tell me you need me."_

_Sasuke stared at her face, that face that he grew to love ever since he laid his eyes on her; that face that he first wants to see every morning for the rest of his life; the same face that he wants to stare at every night._

_'This is your chance,' his thoughts suddenly said. 'You can end this now. Right here. Don't torture both of you further than you already did.'_

_He swallowed his real thoughts, most of them saying those things she wanted him to say. He doesn't want her to go. He doesn't want to let her go._

_But his inner thoughts are right.. it is time._

_Sasuke hardened his resolve and stiffly said, "No. I don't need you, Sakura."_

_'Yes, I do.'_

_Sakura shook her head, "Yes, you do."_

_He looked away to face his front again, "No, I don't. You think I need someone who makes me worried every damn day? Someone who's annoying like you?"_

_Sasuke looked back at her and added, "It only makes me tired."_

_Sakura took a pained gasp, his words slowly making their way to her heart. Her voice was cracked when she asked him, "You're tired of me?"_

_'No. Never.'_

_"Yes. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of us."_

_She blinked, her eyes still wide but dry. Green met his black for long moments until she asked him the question that will free them of this monumental fucked-up relationship, "Are you.. are you breaking up with me?"_

_Sasuke sighed, still looking at her straight in the eyes. He hoped she wouldn't notice how hard he was gripping the steering wheel. He had to do this._

_"Yes, Sakura. I'm breaking up with you."_

_'No. Don't leave me.'_

_The silence after those words penetrate the small confines of his vehicle. Both Sasuke and Sakura stared at each other — black with cold indifference and green with shocked detachment._

_Sasuke couldn't look at her anymore so he went back to facing the front of the car. He feels numb. A few minutes passed and he decided to drive her back home._

_Let's go. Let me take you home," he muttered under his breath._

_The moment he pushed the gas pedal was when he heard the unclasping of her seatbelt and the opening of the passenger door._

_He immediately slammed on the brake and quickly looked back at Sakura, just in time to see her get out of his car and closed the car door a little too hard._

_"Sakura!", he shouted at her. He got out of his car and strode towards Sakura who is still busy walking away from him with brisk steps. His long legs reached her and he turned her around to face him._

_"What the fuck was that?! You could've been hurt! What the fuck were you thinking?!", Sasuke literally screamed at her face. He's gripping her arms tightly and he noticed her shaking form._

_"Too late," she whispered. Her breaths come in puffs and he noticed that it's visible now. He then realized that it was snowing. Winter is here._

_Her eyes looked up and found his. Sasuke fought back a gasp to see her eyes without their usual light. It's all hard and cold.. just like his. And then she added, "I'm already hurt."_

_He wanted to pull her in his arms and embrace her, to embed himself into her or her to him, and never be apart. He wanted to warm her up with his mouth, his hands, his breath. He wanted to kiss her._

_'You broke up with her remember?'_

_"Get your hands off me," she quietly asked him. "Please."_

_He flinched, "C'mon, Sak. Let me get you h-"_

_"And stop calling me that," she coldly asked. She pushed away his hands and turned around to walk away from him._

_It was snowing and he couldn't let her walk all the way to her apartment, no matter how close it may be. It's only a 10-minute drive, 20 if by feet._

_"Sakura," he called out._

_She turned around so suddenly that it almost surprised him, "Don't."_

_They stood at the side of the road, with the sky crying snow around them, facing each other. Sakura remained calm and her eyes still dry. Meanwhile, Sasuke remained glued to the spot as the love of his life slowly break before his eyes._

_"I should've known," she started. Her eyes are focused on him, never wavering. "I knew something wasn't right. Nothing's ever the same since your brother was gone."_

_Sasuke swallowed when she mentioned Itachi. Does she know? Does she know his awaited fate?_

_She continued, "And I know I should've confronted you for it. But instead, I fed your appetite. I felt it when you look at me, when you touch me, when you kiss me. You needed me, Sasuke. You need me."_

_'Of course, I do.'_

_Her eyes blinked and her voice wavered, "And I'm selfish enough to be happy when I'm needed.. and I'm sorry." Her green orbs watered then, "I'm sorry for using that to feed my own need."_

_Sasuke choked as he shook his head no, "Sakura, please. You don't.. you don't have to say sorry. I- it's me.. it's my fault. It's not you."_

_She laughed without humor when she heard that. She's still looking at him as she humorlessly let out chuckles, "What a fucking cliché." Then a teardrop fell from her. And then another. Then another one._

_Sasuke felt like dying at that moment. All the crying he saw from her was never like this one. She looks so broken now, her mouth shaking from the cold and from her tears._

_"I was tired too, Sasuke. I endured for a year. I swallowed the hurt when you forgot our second anniversary. I swallowed my pride at the restaurant where you stood me up on my birthday. I swallowed the pain when you left on your birthday without telling me."_

_Sasuke remembers it all. He will never forget their anniversary or her birthday or their tradition when it's his turn. It's just that he's too guilty about being with her and still delaying the impending doom of their relationship to actually be with her. He decided to deprive himself of his own happiness because he doesn't deserve it.. doesn't deserve her. He's just a coward to face it._

_Her tears are slowly rolling down her cheeks, like the snow falling down on them. "I endured them all, knowing that you're still in grief, and you probably will be for a long time. I know the feeling." She took a deep breath and exhaled, still crying. "But never, not once, did I ever think about giving you up. Never."_

_His eyes blurred and he fought the tears that threatened to come. He swallowed hard and breathe deeply to control his emotions. Sasuke wanted to look away, but he couldn't._

"_I deserve better. I know that," she nodded to herself. "But I still wanted you despite that.. because I love you." She licked her lips and took a step forward to him._

_Sasuke watched as she made her way to him, her hands shaking and her eyes straight up looking at him. When she's in front of him with only a few inches between them, she spoke._

_"So you don't get to break up with me, Sasuke," her voice strong and laced with genuine resolve. "_I _break up with you."_

_Her eyes are hard but still leaking angry and pained tears, "I break up with _you."

_Sasuke knows he deserved her hate, but he never thought it would be as painful as this. He didn't say a thing, just continued to stare down at her shaking form, praying to anyone to end this fucking nightmare._

_Sakura's green eyes dimmed down and turned soft as she stares up at him. His heart skipped a beat._

_"I wish you happiness, Sasuke."_

* * *

_Mikoto was drinking water from the kitchen when she suddenly heard a noise coming from the living room. She was startled for a second, but she put her glass down and tightened her robe. It was late at night and Sasuke must have come back. She made her way to their living room, only the moonlight provides little light in their house._

_When she peered from the hallway, she saw Sasuke standing in the middle of the room with his back on her. He was deathly still looking out the great window of their living room. She silently and slowly approached him, then put her hand on his back._

_"Sasuke?"_

_Her eyes went wide when her son looked back at her. Sasuke was crying._

_"Kaa-san," he muttered, his voice little and broken._

_She gasped then, her son calling her that term that he hasn't used since he was 13. She looked up at him and knew immediately what happened. Her heart ached for them._

_A tear fell from his eyes as he looked at his mother, "She called me Sasuke." His eyes continued to shed tears as he said, "He never calls me just Sasuke."_

_Fugaku was at the top of the stairs and saw his wife and son in their living room. He heard the noise earlier and decided to check what it was. He saw and heard his now only living soon slowly die in front of his mother. His heart clenched painfully._

_Mikoto's eyes gathered moisture and she fought the tears as she watched her son look down at his hand and put it against his chest._

_"Kaa-san," Sasuke called her again._

_Mikoto swallowed before she answered, "Yes, Sasuke?"_

_Sasuke clenched his hand on his chest and gripped it tight, "It hurts." His dark eyes, still continuously shedding salty tears, found her own, "It hurts so much. Can you make it stop?"_

_His mother couldn't fight away her tears any longer. His face contorted in pain as she gathered him in her arms as they fell on the floor, with his head buried against his mother's shoulder._

_"Please, kaa-san. Please. Make it stop."_

_Sasuke's wretched sobs reverberate around the silent Uchiha house, muffled by his own mother's cries. His father slowly made back his way to their room to silently cry alone._

_Outside, the first snow of the winter falls, in sync with the tears from their eyes._

* * *

_~fin~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I had written this on first POV, in Sasuke's, but I couldn't do it. It would've been more painful. Besides, I had a hard time writing this shit. But anyways, this is set as a flashback that shows how and why they broke up in the first place. I couldn't believe this is nearly 12k words, wow. Also, I made Karin and Naruto as siblings here. Hope you liked this one and made you feel some things, no matter what it is. Lol. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and favorited on ffnet. This is also up on my tumblr" thefangirlslair. Follow me there and also on twitter with the same account name. Ja ne!


	3. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can I kiss you?”
> 
> Her mouth opened in surprise, her eyes widen in shock. Her breath comes in puffs, visible in the winter cold. Sasuke waited patiently, offering a silent prayer to her. He doesn’t pray to any god now for he believes there is none. But if Sakura heeds his prayer then maybe there really is one.
> 
> Seconds felt like infinity until she firmly answered, “No.”

**Perpetual Winter Part 2**

"When will we ever be truly happy?"

A quiet hum was the reply from the other line, his mother probably contemplating what to say to him. He didn't mean to be this vulnerable but this is his mother, the only person he could trust with his whole life. More than his best friend, of course.

A few seconds passed and he heard Mikoto say, "Maybe when we accept that things aren't always meant to be."

He sighed, looking outside while leaning back on his first-class seat inside the plane headed to New York. The sky is a bit dull, thanks to the winter of the upcoming Christmas.

_"_Yeah," he quietly agreed. "Maybe then."

He heard his mother sigh in return and asked, "Did you at least talk to your father before you leave?"

He closed his eyes and thought about his talk with his father earlier, "We're okay now. He called me while I was with Itachi."

At the mention of his brother's name, he's sure he heard a quiet hitch in his mother's voice when she spoke. "I can't believe it's been 10 years. Time flies so fast."

10 years since Itachi died and yesterday was the anniversary. He went to Itachi's grave and stayed there for hours, talking to his dead aniki once in a while and just thinking about everything. Before he went home, his father called him.

There's no question that he loves his father, but they just don't get along really well ever since he was a child. Their relationship was forever scarred when he agreed to the heir position. He thought, and probably his father as well, that their father and son connection was truly lost.. until yesterday when Fugaku called him.

He couldn't even remember the last time they talked on the phone, or the last time he heard Fugaku as a father, not as the Uchiha patriarch.

"I'm not proud of most things," Sasuke remembered his father say. "I've done things I regret and will forever haunt me. But if there's one thing I'm proud of.."

He held his breath as he waited for his father to continue. Then he heard his emotionless father in a strong but cracked-on-the-edges voice, "It's the two of you. I'm proud of your brother, and I'm proud of you Sasuke."

If he could cry by then, he would've cried. But there are no tears left to cry now for his last tears were already shed years ago. But nonetheless, he felt his heart ache because of his father.

His father added, "I'm sorry. For everything."

It's nothing new, this ache that's been living in the beating organ of his body for so long now. His heart will always ache because of his family. Most of the time, it's in a painful way, but not this time. This ache is the kind you feel when you know something heavy is being lifted from you. Sasuke sighed.

"Tou-san," he whispered through the phone and looked down at Itachi's grave. The snow lightly falling around him touching the stone and his hair.

He heard Fugaku softly gasps on the other line, definitely shook by his address. But then later replied, "Yes, Sasuke?"

He smiled softly, feeling the air around him shifts as if comforting him. _Nii-san_, he thought by then.

"Thank you," he sincerely said. "And I'm sorry, too."

Looking back from yesterday as he opened his eyes to reality, he felt warm. He said to his mother, "Yeah, it is."

Mikoto asked, "When are you coming back?"

"Just in time for the Christmas ball. I have to be there," he said gruffly. He heard his mother laugh softly.

"Will you bring a date?", Mikoto asked in a teasing voice.

He snorted, "You know I don't do that, right?"

Mikoto sighed. 9 years have passed since her son broke down that December night, following the shattering of Sasuke's heart. She will never forget that night. She knew as she held him on the floor sobbing his heart out that it would take an awfully long time to heal, but not this long. Her son is 29 now — driven but tired, strong-willed but fragile, loved but lonely.

"Do you have at least any plans? You can even bring just a friend, you know that," Mikoto pushed.

There was an announcement that the door of the plane is closed and now ready to take off. All electronic devices should be turned off and Sasuke exhaled inwardly for he has avoided his mother's prying. Mikoto also heard the announcement and nearly rolled her eyes.

"I need to go. I'll call you when I get there," he said to Mikoto.

"Okay, son. Take care. Don't overwork yourself," concern and love evident from her voice. Sasuke smiled gently.

"Aa. You too."

Sasuke finally turned off his phone and waited for the plane to take off. He thought about what his mother implied earlier. _Bring a friend? _he thought. _As if I have a lot to choose from. I only have Naruto and-_

He sighed. _That "friend" _is definitely unavailable. She's probably off somewhere in America where she's happily living her life with her husband. The last time they met, she was newly engaged. He didn't bother to know how she's been doing for the past 3 years. He didn't want to risk the longing he might feel. Only God knows he does.

But he remembers that it was winter, as it always been for the both of them. Green eyes across from him, pink hair blowing in the cold wind, red lips on his skin — he remembers it all.

As the plane drifts, so does he — where the memory of their last reunion lives.

* * *

_3 years ago_

_Love is just a state of mind._

_This was his mantra every single day since the day he left Japan. Yes, there were doubts, but he strengthens his resolve every damn day when he wakes up. He remembered saying it to himself yesterday, and even earlier when he woke up. He always tells himself that maybe it's just all in his head now — that he already moved past every shit he went through, that he's not stuck loving the same person for only god knows how long; the same person he broke in front of him that first snowfall of that year's winter and he's now reunited with, wearing that smile and that fucking ring._

_'Love is just a state of mind', he repeated for the second time today as he watched her talk outside._ '_You actually don't love her anymore. You're just nostalgic about the memories. You're just being dumb.'_

_The little jolt of pain from his chest says otherwise. He's been telling himself that line since he went to study business the following year when they broke up. But today, Haruno Sakura managed to put all Uchiha Sasuke's progress he worked hard for more than 2000 days in just less than an hour within her orbit. She's so lethal._

_'Love is just a state of mind, my ass.'_

_H_e _watched her talk animatedly outside the café. In her rush to talk to that 'Neji-kun', she mumbled a quick 'excuse me' to Sasuke and forgot to bring at least her scarf outside. Sasuke watched as she repeatedly hunches her shoulders to her neck and runs her gloveless tiny hand on her arm._

_And even though he saw how her hand holding the phone shake a little because of the cold, he could also see the happiness radiating from her smile and the brightness of her jade eyes even from where he's sitting._

_It stings a little, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. Not when she looks that way — not his anymore, but still so beautiful._

_Timing is a funny thing. Once you thought you're over it, one pink-haired beacon of spring will bloom in your eternal winter and blow all your progress into next week. What a woman. He will never find anyone better._

_Sasuke fought with himself to look away from her and when he did, he looked at the chair that she occupied a few minutes before she went outside. It reminded him of a time when sitting across from her bright eyes and even brighter smile once annoyed the hell out of him. Not because he hates it but because he's started to like it; he even craved it._

_Innocent coffee hang-out as they do algebra, group study with some of Naruto's friends for an upcoming English quiz, spontaneous pizza parlor visits after watching movies — all of them ending up across from each other. Never beside her, no. Always across, right there in front of him, as if saying 'look at me'. She never did say it, but he looked nonetheless._

_Always._

_Sasuke was pulled back to reality when he felt a tap on his shoulder as she moved towards her recently vacant seat, "Hey, sorry about that. Someone just checked in if I'm still alive or not."_

_She said it so lightly that someone might think she's only talking about the weather. He wanted to point out her ring finger and wordlessly ask if the caller was the same person who gave her that ridiculously huge piece of shit, ('she was never the flashy type. she hates the offending thing,' he thought) but he didn't. He just nodded and sipped his coffee that's as bitter as the taste of the truth is._

_"It's fine," he added quietly._

_He watched as she shivered in her seat as she takes a bite out of her muffin. "So," she drawls on. "How have you been?"_

_'So it begins.'_

_"Good. Business is doing great. Economy is booming as ever. Foreign investors are st-"_

_"Oh c'mon, Sasuke," she interrupted. "I'm asking about you, not your company or Japan's economic state."_

_He paused for a second to look at his coffee and say, "There's nothing to say."_

_Sakura actually snorted out loud for that, something that she did a lot when they were younger. "6 years and nothing happened to you? Only your business? Oh please, you know I know shit about business and all that."_

_That made him smile a little, "You know a lot more than you think. You're the smartest person I know."_

_A look of surprise and something he couldn't put a finger on flashed in her green eyes, and for a moment he thought she would blush like she always did when he pays her a compliment. Instead, she answered back steadily._

_"Thank you. But still, I'm more on the medical field than your corporate expertise. I want to know about you."_

_It's making him frustrated. There was a time when he could catch her off guard and make her blush like crazy that makes him go crazy himself. Now, the woman sitting in front of him is so hard to read and so poised and feels so unattainable that even Uchiha Sasuke, _the_ Uchiha Sasuke, feels inferior._

_He swallowed the slight insecurity that suddenly gnaws at his bones for talking to this newest version of Haruno Sakura. She looks different; she sounds different. He now wonders if she smells, feels and tastes different too. He halted his thoughts before it goes worse._

_He leaned back on his seat and shrugged a little, "I'm okay. Busy as always. I rarely have free time like this one."_

_She offered a small smile, "I bet. How's Colonel Mustard?"_

_He smirked at that, "Still grumpy and lazy as hell."_

_"How does he look like now? Do you have any pictures of him? I wanna see," she exclaimed with a tiny hint of excitement. How could he stand a chance to that face?_

_'You're hopeless, aren't you?', his own thoughts mocked him._

_Sasuke took out his phone and scrolled down to his photo gallery. When he saw the picture of his cat taken by his blond idiot best friend, he tossed it to her and she caught it as naturally as a pro. He hid a smile._

_As she scrolled away, he asked her back. "How are you?"_

_She briefly looked at him just then and answered distractedly, "I'm fine. I'm still pursuing my medical career and it's all good. Hard, but I think I can manage."_

_'Of course, no doubt about that,' he silently praised._

_"I'm not so homebody anymore so I got a few friends. I got them when I started to attend a music class because I wanted to learn piano. I could play it really well now," she added. A hint of pride could be heard in her voice. "Oh, and guitar too. I didn't know th- oh!"_

_He heard the coo from his companion and silently watched her smile and comment on how his pet seemed to be weirder than before._

_"All of his positions are so weird and funny," she said, her fingers covering her lips as she laughs. "And I guess Naruto can't be a photographer even if he wanted to. These photos are terrible."_

_He smothered a chuckle, "You know he's an idiot at everything."_ _He paused for a moment and asked her, "How did you know it was the dobe who took it?"_

_She gave him a look that says 'Really? You're asking me?' and he immediately knew. Do you honestly think Uchiha Sasuke likes taking pictures of his cat? Hell no._

_'You're so predictable, Uchiha. You think you're so sly, aren't you? Look at you now, asshole.'_

_Sakura returned her eyes to his phone, still browsing for his cat's terrible photos, until he saw her flinch a little and stopped scrolling. His brain automatically went from zero to 100mph and racked itself for what could've made her act like that. He's also annoyed that he noticed her flinch. It's because he's staring at her. Idiot._

_She finally raised her eyes to meet his and said, "I guess you still kept it, huh?"_

_She brought his phone back to him and his eyes fell to what was displayed on it. Sasuke fought a shiver inside him because he immediately knew what she was talking about. He regrets that he decided to save it instead of ignoring it._

_It was taken maybe 4 or 5 years ago in his apartment in London where he was studying business, and was recently sent by Naruto ('#flashbackfriday when your cat was still a bitch and you were still a workaholic ass. oh wait, you still are!', the blond captioned) through text. The photo was simple — Naruto taking a selfie with his cheeky grin, Colonel Mustard obviously scratching and struggling on the blond's arm as they lounge on Sasuke's room, and Sasuke in the background typing with his one hand and holding a cup of coffee on the other._

_He didn't know Naruto was taking ridiculous selfies with his pet, but he did know that his best friend has this annoying habit of barging into his house and his room without a care. He already gave up scolding him._

_But the one that made Sakura flinch and Sasuke's heart clench was the tiny and a bit blurry object on Sasuke's bedside table in the background — a frame with their picture together when they started dating. The said frame is currently in a box hidden somewhere in his old bedroom in their family house. He hasn't seen it in years. But seeing it now after so many years through a selfie photo of his best friend made him relive the said picture._

_It's the only thing he kept from all the physical reminders of what once was. He was aware that it wasn't good, that he shouldn't have kept it on his bedside table and see it every time he wakes up. But it's the only thing he could look at without hurting much, because it reminded him of a good and innocent time. And with the life he had after their break-up, lonely and bleak and just plain cold, that picture gives him a hint of warmth and spring._

_Or maybe he's just a masochistic son of a bitch._

_It was a picture of them on Christmas Eve, the first one they shared as a couple, with them only just a few days of being official. You can say they were drunk — with liquor, with each other, with love. They weren't wearing fancy clothes nor inside a fancy house in a fancy party. They're in Naruto's apartment with a couple of their high school classmates, sweaty and lit and inebriated, counting down the seconds to Christmas._

_Both their faces aren't shown in the picture, but you'll know it was them. Sasuke was facing away from the camera wearing a plain black t-shirt; his wide shoulders, blue-black hair peeking through his cap, and tall height as a give-away to his identity. The slight curve of his arm indicates that he was holding onto something. Or someone, rather._

_Around his torso was a pair of arms, coming from a petite form that's obviously standing at his front. Then there is something peeking from his shoulder. The only things you can see are her bright pink hair, and her equally bright green eyes staring straight through the camera. You can tell she's smiling even if you can't see her mouth._

_His face was sideways, so anybody would see the slight curl of his lips partially hidden through pastel strands of Sakura's hair. Throngs of people and their red plastic cups with confettis falling around are all a massive blur in the background. The only clear picture was the picture they made together — drunk in each other's arms but sober to know that it's all real._

_God knows he would kill just for them to be back in that moment. It's foolish, it's dumb; but it's what his heart wants. He knows it deep in his gut and in his soul. He had never wanted anything ever._

_But then, things change. People, too. And Sasuke is aware that this Sakura sitting across from him now is getting married to someone she chose to be with; someone she said 'yes' to; someone who isn't him._

_Truth hurts. These are the facts, and he can't argue with them. No matter how much he shield himself from the onslaught of emotions running through his whole being as they look at each other 6 years after the worst time of his life, the truth is hitting him on the face. It's sitting on her left hand's ring finger and it's blinding and suffocating and god, he wants this misery to end. When will this ever end?_

_'How do I unlove you, Sakura?'_

_Sasuke wanted to maintain their eye contact, but he needed to breathe. He looked away and closed his lids, took a breath and held it for a few seconds as he thought hard before releasing it. He hoped that Sakura didn't find it weird._

_As expected, she patiently waited for him to speak up. She obviously still remembers his habit of sorting out his thoughts first before blurting them out. He wanted to laugh. Sakura and the world have clearly moved on with their lives while there's him stuck on the same shit he's been doing since forever. So predictable, so pathetic._

_He fought the frown that was threatening to form on his face and opened his eyes to look at her. "Yeah. I kept it," he finally said._

_Sakura was just looking at him, analyzing him with those eyes of hers. 'Stop looking at me,' he thought._

_Sakura finally replied, "I kept mine, too." His heart lurched for a moment. He remembered her own copy — same night, same party, same drunk picture; but in a different angle. Sasuke gritted his teeth to fight his urge to bite his lip. It's a habit of his when he doesn't want anything to spill from him and she knows it, so he just nodded stiffly in return._

_She then added, "Why?"_

_He shrugged nonchalantly, hiding his nervousness and anxiety. "It reminded me of a good time," he truthfully answered but used with a light and careless tone._

_Sasuke saw her frown at that. He felt the gears turning in her head as she prepares her next queries. Sasuke thought, 'I gotta divert this conversation.'_

_"Don't worry about it," he blurts out. "When my mother saw it, she told me I should not dwell on the past anymore. So I think she kept it hidden in our ancestral home."_

_He almost sighed with relief when he saw her face changed expression and settled with a small smile, "How's Mikoto, by the way? Does she still have insomnia?"_

_"She's doing okay now," he answered her, thinking about his mother and her insomnia when Itachi died. "She's good, don't worry. Her pies are still the best," he managed to give her a tiny smirk._

_Sakura smiled, "That's good to know. The last time we saw each other, she looked worn down."_

_He frowned at that. 'They saw each other? When?'_

_His confusion must've been written all over his face so she said, "Didn't Mikoto tell you?"_

_"Tell me what?"_

_Her eyes widened a bit for a split second and softly answered him, "She sent me off at the airport before I went to the States. Mikoto was actually the one I saw before I boarded the plane."_

_Sasuke didn't know what to say, what to think. His mother? Why would she do that? What did they talk about? Why didn't Mikoto tell him?_

_He just continued blankly looking at her, lost for words. Sakura looked back at him with an awkward expression. Apparently, Sasuke wasn't the only one who felt uncomfortable all of a sudden._

_After a few silent seconds that felt like hours, Sakura broke the silence. "We just briefly talked for a few minutes before the gates closed. She asked me what happened to us that time and how you were doing then."_

_Sasuke clenched his fist under the table and scoffed, "I hope my mother didn't tell you how miserable I was."_

_'Still am,' he corrected in his mind. 'How miserable I still am.'_

_Her eyes were steady on his when she answered, "She did, actually. She knew I was as miserable, too."_

_He's now regretting the vulnerability in his words. There's a pang of pain he felt in his chest where his heart lays beating weakly by the minute. He fought the need to clutch it like he did that night when he broke down in front of his mother in their living room._

_'Why are we here? Why am I fucking here?'_

_Sasuke swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and concealed his true fucked-up feelings with a humorless smirk. "Aa. That sounds like my mother," he quietly replied._

_He needed a minute. It's only been what, an hour of being reunited with his first love, and she's slowly but surely breaking down his armor with little to no effort? He wanted a drink or a smoke; anything but this already cold bitter coffee in front of him and this girl, this stranger, that has the face of his long lost love._

_Sakura offered him a tiny smile and said, "Yeah. I hope I can see her before I leave again soon. Would it be okay to have her number? Or is it the same as before?"_

_"No."_

_Sakura blinked and looked taken aback at first with his abrupt answer, "No to what?"_

_"All of it," Sasuke dryly replied._

_Sasuke couldn't take this any longer. He couldn't understand a thing, much less feel anything at all. All he has is this numbness slowly gripping his whole being._

_Green eyes flashed for a second and he heard her say, "Why not?"_

_He countered with, "And why should you?"_

_Irritation can be heard clearly in her tone as she spoke, "She's not just another person in my life, Sasuke. I just want her contact number so I could talk to her."_

_"And I said no," he said. "There's no reason for you to reach out to her anymore."_

_He knows he's being irrational and being a bit childish to be honest, but he couldn't understand why she's doing this. Add that to the gnawing leech of ache in his cold and broken heart, you could say he can't think straight at the moment._

_It doesn't help that she looks gorgeous while breaking his heart all over again._

_Instead of being angry like he anticipated, Sakura's face turned concerned. 'That face,' Sasuke inwardly sneered._

_"Are you okay?", Sakura calmly asked him._

_He replied, incredulous. "Am I okay? Really?" He scoffed, "Yeah, of course, you just told me my mom spilled my guts to you and now you're here trying to reunite with her like nothing ever happened. So why shouldn't I be okay?"_

_Sasuke was trying to compose himself because he could feel his voice starting to shake and rise from too much emotions. The last thing he wanted to do is create a scene in this coffee shop. He kept his face as blank as possible._

_Sakura just stared at him for a long time before answering, "It's been 6 years, Sasuke. You should be okay." Then like just an afterthought, she added. "We should be."_

_'How is that supposed to mean?', he screamed in his thoughts. 'You're perfectly fine, absolutely okay. You're getting married, you got your life altogether and planned out, you still look amazing and I'm here wondering what the hell am I doing with my life."_

_With all those thoughts, only few words came out, "And what makes you think I'm not?"_

_"Your face says it all, Sasuke. I know you," Sakura replied, still using that calm tone she has._

_It's grating on his nerves so that's why he didn't fight when he abruptly slammed his fist on the table as his voice rose slightly, "Stop it!"_

_Her eyes widened in response and darted around the place. In his peripheral, he saw some customers glance at them curiously. Fortunately, there are only few. It dampened his rising mood and slightly pulled him back to himself._

_His eyes were boring into hers when he said through gritted teeth, "Stop saying you know me, Sakura. As you said, it's been 6 years. Many things changed."_

_Not all of them, he could admit. Just like his feelings._

_She sighed in response, "Yeah, I could see that. Just like when you opened the door for me. You never did that before." She concluded it with a small smile._

_His insides were in a turmoil. Is every word she's gonna say will continue to rattle his emotional and mental state? Is everything gonna remind them of their past? Is everything gonna slap him in the face that they never had a closure in the first place and maybe that's why?_

_She continued talking, "I noticed that you're taller and that you've gotten a bit of tan. You're not as pale as before. Your hair is longer. You've become more tight-lipped, but I guess that's because it's me you're talking to. I mean, after the way we ended I could unders—"_

_"I said stop it," he said quietly._

_Her eyes remained the same, calm and collected. But he could also see a hint of determination and question in them. He couldn't understand. Why does she look like a girl on a mission? Those eyes are steady and serene but piercing and brave at once._

_Sasuke inhaled deeply and softly asked, "Why are you saying these to me?" His eyes are still looking through hers, "Why are you here? Why did you drag me here?"_

_He just wanted to drink his coffee and read his books in peace. He did not ask for her to be there on the other side of the road before he crosses it nor ask for her to come along with him. He did not want to see her engagement ring on her finger nor see her drink her black tea._

_He did not ask for Sakura to come back in his life and remind him of what he lost when he let her go._

_"I want to catch up with an old friend and have coffee with him," Sakura answered casually but softly, her eyes still seeking his as if wanting to see his thoughts._

_His anger started to come back and he blurted out, "Friend? We're hardly friends now, Sakura."_

_"But we were once."_

_"Yeah, before I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me," he said with his voice shaking from too much restraint. "Before we kissed with the intention of something more than being platonic. Before I introduced you to my family as my girlfriend and you brought me to your parents' graves."_

_Sasuke heard her softly gasped at that last statement but he continued, "Before that night when we broke up. Before right now where we're here, acting as if none of those shit happened to us."_

_'Before we made love. Before we argued like kids and fucked like adults. Before we stayed up all night just talking about our dreams in the future and woke up in the morning realizing that our future was already right fucking there, staring at us in the face,' he all but screamed inwardly._

_He leaned forward to look at her directly and fought the urge to grab her face to reiterate all of what he's saying. Then he whispered to her with a voice laced with longing and regret and desperation._

_"Before right now where I'm asking you.. why you are here._ _Why are you here, Sakura? Why did you come back?"_

_Sasuke saw her eyes and her whole face soften as they continue to look at each other, until he saw them cast downwards towards the table. He followed her line of vision and saw her left hand._

_Several thoughts came running through his head, all jumbled and don't even make sense. But one thing stood out to him even without her saying anything — she came back to Japan because of her engagement._

_His eyes flicked back towards her face and saw her looking at him, almost apologetic and tender that he felt his chest tighten. Then Sakura spoke, "I think you already know."_

_He did; he does. Ever since she picked up her call and he was almost blinded with how fucking shiny her ring was and with how he felt like being punched to the gut, yes he knows. He will never have her back._

_Not now, not ever._

_Sasuke stood up abruptly, forgetting everything except picking up his coat. In his mind, he only wanted to get out of there. Get out of this café, get out of her life._

_And so as soon as his hands found his coat when he stood up, he quickly strode towards the door. The faint noise inside the café was all but a noiseless background in his mind. He was actually expecting Sakura to call out to him, and when he finally opened the door to exit, all he heard was nothing but the howling of the cold wind outside as it snows._

_The door of the café closes and so does his door._

_—_

_He never paid attention to his surroundings. He just kept on walking and walking under the slight fall of snow around him. The streets are busy and the people are busier, all of them trying to make it through the day. Sasuke is the same. He just wants to make it through today of all days._

_He never once imagined their reunion would be like this. He had this brief fantasy before about them seeing each other again, and finally realizing that they were meant for each other. They will throw away all the bullshit they went through and start again, fresh and new. They will never part. Never again._

_But he didn't anticipate the fact that Sakura could be loved by someone else, too. And in return, she could love that someone back._

_Sasuke should've known better. She was the smartest, most patient, most beautiful person inside and out that he ever met. He should've known that one person could see and appreciate that as much as he do, and will do everything to fight for her love._

_And that's what Sasuke didn't do — fight for her._

_He released a pained breath and watched as his mouth formed puffs of air because of the cold. He then noticed that he was in a playground, sitting on a swing in a nearly deserted park. His tall frame was hunched down on the tiny swing, his long legs bent as he stared into the ground._

_He had no idea how he got there, but it may be a subconscious act. He always liked things that remind him of a much simplier and innocent times in his life. He also didn't know how much time has passed, but with the faint glow of the sun in the west he could tell._

_"I thought you'd be here," a voice came and knocked on the closed door of his heart. He turned his face towards it, he saw her and suddenly his doors came opening again._

_The winter sun was directly behind her, giving her this eerie glow. Like a nymph; a spring nymph being born in his perpetual winter. He shivered inside._

_Sasuke couldn't see her face properly but he knows she's looking at him with those eyes of hers. He couldn't see them, but he could feel._

_He watched her as she approached him slowly as if he's a wounded animal. In a sense, he is. He feels like it. He's wounded for the longest time, deep and real that he's full of bandages. And now, she's here to rip it all off and pour salt in his wounds._

_"You left these," she said as she passed him his paper bag full of books and his scarf on her other hand. He never left her face but silently took the things out of her grasps and placed the books down as he held onto his scarf. After a few silent seconds, he finally looked away from her and stared at the thing on his hands._

_She spoke again, "I knew you'd be in a playground. You have always been like that."_

_He heard the chains rattled as she sat down on the other swing beside him, facing the other way. They sat there in silence, watching as the sky took a break from crying too much snow and families in the park prepared to go back home._

_If you ask Sasuke right now, this might be the only thing that haven't changed between their dynamic — the silence. They have never needed words ever since they became friends and silence is a comfortable companion back then. When they became lovers, it was like their platonic third-wheel aside from Naruto._

_Right this moment, it's a bit different. The silence is there, but it rang like no other, begging to be noticed. An obnoxious loudmouth bother, a deafening pierce of a non-existing noise; it's right there between the two of them. And with a heavy heart, Sasuke took a breath and broke it._

_"You're getting married."_

_Sasuke saw in his peripheral that she whipped her head towards him. He kept his face straight and forward, his eyes trained on two little boys riding a bicycle with their parents following behind. He felt his heart twitch in nostalgia._

_Sakura returned to her original position facing the other way from Sasuke. You can hear the amusement in her voice when she spoke. "He finally said it," she softly said, as if she's talking to an audience._

_He frowned, not caring anymore and looked back at her. He saw her fiddling with her scarf around her neck, noticed that she's not wearing her gloves. He can see the ring, subtly reminding him of why they're here._

_"I was wondering when will you talk about this," she said while looking down at her ring, her voice still soft and quiet. She put down her hands in her lap, "That was the reason I said all those things back there."_

_She then looked back at him and he met her round and honest green eyes, "It was a bit childish of me, I know. But.. I just had a feeling you weren't being honest with me back there."_

_'Oh fuck,' he groaned inwardly. 'No, we are not doing this. You are not doing this to me.'_

_Outside, his face scrunched up in confusion and frustration. "Why? Why would you do that?", Sasuke's voice is as quiet as hers._

_Sakura kept her eyes glued to him, "I hate seeing you like that. It reminds me of our last night."_

_All thoughts evaporated. Heartbeats stopped. Breath halted. Sasuke could only do one thing and that's to stare right at the love of his life. He felt something sting behind his eyes and he looked away._

_"I know you weren't being completely true that night. Like I said, your face says it all. I know you good enough even before we got together."_

_"It kinda hurts when I saw you doing the same back at the café. It brought back sad memories," she looked down. "And also because.. I already know, Sasuke. I already know the whole thing why. Naruto told me."_

_He fought a groan that tried to came out of his lips. First his mother, and now his best friend. Who's next? His father?_

_"He came to visit me in the States right before I started attending Harvard. He told me everything. The company, the merger.. the arranged marriage."_

_Sasuke remembered drinking with Naruto a few months after their break-up. And the next day, Naruto told him that his father wanted him to go to Massachusetts to attend a conference. He didn't bother to ask for details because he was still hungover from the night before._

_"He told me you're a mess; that I should go back and fix our relationship because he can't stand to see you that way. Mikoto actually told me the same thing in the airport before I left but in a subtle way. Naruto was pained and sad for you, but Mikoto was scared and concerned."_

_He knows she left a week after their break-up in December. Before the year ended, he remembered his mother ask him if he will follow her. He said no. He wanted to, but he didn't._

_"I want you to know I understand, Sasuke."_

_He gripped the chains of his swing hard. He couldn't even feel the cold of it anymore. He's overwhelmed by so much information that two of his precious people tried their hardest to save him in the lowest point of his life by begging her to come back._

_How pathetic can he be?_

_"You weren't supposed to know," he finally spoke. His voice was gruff and tired. He feels so tired._

_"It's impossible though," she answered. "I would've known it when the news of your marriage comes out."_ _After that statement, she looked up again and asked him. "Now that I think about it.. why haven't I heard anything about your wedding?"_

_He exhaled, "She called it off."_

_Yes, Karin Uzumaki decided not to marry Sasuke Uchiha. He remembered the furious face of his father, the relieved exhale of his mother, the anxious fidgeting of Naruto, the wide eyes of Kushina and the amused smirk of Minato. But most of all, he remembered the determined eyes of Karin and the gratitude behind her slim frames when she looked at him._

_"Oh," Sakura softly said. "What happened?"_

_He played with the scarf bunched at his lap as he replied, "She fell in love for the first time. I told her to decide what she wanted to do and I will respect it. She decided not to pursue the engagement then."_

_Karin was there for him when he and Sakura broke up. She was his companion in social events, casual dinners, drinking alcohol; but that's just it. A companion, a friend; and to Karin, he is the same._

_Yes, they did try to become something more. They kissed once or twice, tried lunch dates, and went to movie theaters. But there was no passion, no spark. There's only mutual respect and comfort_, _and those aren't the only things a relationship should have._

_When Karin told him that she met someone that she used to be classmates with in high school and they talked, she asked him about how did he know he was in love with Sakura. He answered with, 'It has always been a subconscious thing, I guess. You just know.'_

_So he wasn't surprised when after a year, she told him that she's finally in love for the first time. He told her to do what she wants, and she did. She fought for her feelings, fought for her love. And now she's free, married just a few months ago. Sasuke was her best man because he was her bestfriend. Naruto was pouting the whole ceremony._

_Sakura didn't reply this time but she nodded as she looked away. Sasuke turned his head towards her then, silently looking at her side profile. Her cheeks are pink from the cold and her breath is visible. Pink strands are blowing in the wind making him smell apples. Now he knows that she also smells different; she smells like flowers back then._

_Looking at her after 6 years felt like a blessing and a curse at the same time. He felt like he was in a reality show, cameras are around him watching his every move and emotions that will run across his face; ready to laugh at him for the biggest prank of his life._

_This is his reality. This is real and she's right there, wanting him to be completely honest with her. Say all his thoughts unlike that night; unlike back there at the coffee shop. He could do honest. He will be honest._

_"You're still beautiful," he blurted out._

_Sakura's eyes widen for a bit and she looked back at him. She blinked a few times, completely taken aback by his abrupt statement._

_"I'm glad I haven't taken all your good parts," he continued. "I'm glad you've been able to move past the things that happened. I'm glad you're doing fine. I haven't told you I was proud of you that night when you told me you got in to Harvard so I'm telling you now — I am proud of you. I'm glad you're back.. even if it's because you're getting married."_

_Her green eyes were steadily shaking looking back at his black ones. Sasuke could see them shining and he hoped she doesn't cry because if she does, he is done for. He will be annihilated right there in the middle of a fucking playground._

_With his eyes never leaving hers, he asked her. "Does he love you?"_

_Seconds stretched out and she finally managed to croak out a yes and a nod. Suddenly, Sasuke felt this incredulous urge to laugh. In the end, he let out a small chuckle._

_He gave her a barely-there smile, "Of course he does." His voice was soft but it cracked in the end, "Who wouldn't love you?"_

_Sasuke saw her eyes gather tears and his fear of seeing them was finally falling from her eyes and right there staring at him in the face. His chest felt tight and his throat burned. He was only whispering his words but he felt like he shouted them to the heavens._

_He twisted his swing with his legs to finally face his whole body to her form. He reached out to the chains of her own swing beside her thighs and moved it to face him. His legs widen and put hers between them so he could support the two of them._

_As he looked at her face to face, from head to toe as they sit in an empty playground within an empty park, Sasuke felt alive. Given that he knew this woman silently crying in front of him is crying because of him, he felt alive for the first time in years. The dull colors of winter faded in the background and all he could see is the pink of her hair, the green of her irises and the gold of the sun slowly setting down behind her._

_Tears kept flowing and her red-stained lips are shaking. Sasuke didn't fight it when he wiped her cheekbone with his thumb, and neither did Sakura. He used the back of his fingers as he wiped the other side. Sakura let him. It felt so surreal to Sasuke._

_He was finally touching her again after 6 years. This was what he wanted to do when she was crying that night on the side of the road where they broke up. She feels different, he realized — softer, more delicate. Even though he knows the past few years haven't been nice to her, she still managed to become more than what she was before and after they ended._

_Sasuke knows it was long overdue, and that these next words should've been said that night, and all the nights before and after that; but he says it anyway._

_"I'm sorry."_

_She shook her head no and opened her mouth, "No, you don't have to Sasuke-kun. I understand, you d—"_

_"No, Sak. You need to hear this," Sasuke interrupted. He looked at her intently, "I need this. We both do."_

_Right then, he realized that this reunion wasn't supposed to be the time where they would get back together as he wished for the last 6 years._

_This reunion was for them to finally go their separate ways, to finally accept that things aren't always meant to be; and that includes them._

_Onyx eyes bore into jade ones as he spoke freely, vulnerably, and longingly. "I'm sorry for not being the type to open the door for you. I'm sorry for diverting the topic when I felt like being too exposed. It's because you scare me with how much you know me and I was afraid you'll see how ugly I am inside."_

_She was shaking her head no as he continued, "I'm sorry for ignoring your calls when it all turned to shit. I didn't wanna hear how lonely your voice sounds, that's why. I'm sorry for bringing up your parents when we were arguing that night. It was insensitive of me and I was truly sorry as soon as I said it."_

_"Sasuke-kun, stop."_

_He couldn't hear a thing and his voice started to shake but he pushed through with all the pent-up remorse, pain and love bottled up inside him._

_"I'm sorry for making you feel insecure, for making you feel less of a woman when we were together. I'm sorry for making you cry then and even now. I'm sorry I'm so messed up inside that I feel ashamed being able to talk to you right now."_

_He's blurting out his words and his eyes started to blur simultaneously. Sasuke couldn't see her clearly anymore, only the faint glow of her weeping eyes and the halo on her head made by the sun._

_"Stop."_

_"I'm sorry for not fighting for you; for giving up. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, Sak. I'm sorry for breaking us. Not only that night but all the nights after I accepted my role in my family. I broke you when I said yes, and I broke us when you said it's over and I'm so, so sor—"_

_Sasuke felt her arms around him, her head against his shoulder and her tears on his sweater. He felt all the air inside him dissapear as his tears finally fell when he closed his eyes._

_His face reached her head, and he buried it against her hair. And as he wound up his arms around her and crush her into him he whispered, "I'm sorry for letting you go."_

* * *

_They cried — for the loss, for the death, and for the love of them. They embraced for a long time, both of them not uttering a word. When their storm finally calmed and both aren't crying anymore, Sasuke opened his eyes and stared at the almost setting sun._

_"Do you remember when you asked me before what my favorite song was?", his head was still against hers._

_Sasuke felt her head move and put her chin on his shoulder, "Yeah, I do."_

_He reluctantly let go of her so he could look at her tear-streaked face. He offered a gentle smile, "I have an answer now."_

_In his pocket, he flashed out his phone and then he whipped out an old-looking earphones from the other. He earned a small gasp from Sakura._

_"You're still using it," she said quietly._

_"Hn. I barely use it anymore, but I always bring it with me."_

_It was the same earphones she gave to him on a random day after they listened to her favorite album which he loved. She taught him the power of music and how it moves people; and taught him how to appreciate it in any form._

_Sasuke plugged his earphones to his phone and looked for his favorite song. When he found it, he gave the other earpiece to her and watched as she put it on her ear. It reminded him of that lazy, cold morning listening to Bon Iver and sharing earphones and body heat with Sakura._

_He could see the anticipation in her eyes as she looked at him gently. He wished that she would understand that he is dedicating this song for her._

_"Listen well." That's all he said before pressing play._

_Guitar plucks started to flow through their ears and Sasuke saw the recognition in her eyes. He heard her whisper, "Death Cab, huh?"_

_He just nodded in return and earned a small smile from her. He felt a lot better now than he ever did before._

_When the singer, Ben, started to sing, he was reminded of how he first heard this song while he was cleaning up his room in their house before he left for London_ _to study. Along with their picture of their first Christmas as a couple, he also brought the album that contains this song that he found in his room._

_It was obviously hers and she must've forgotten that she brought it there or she purposely left it. Eitherway, he brought it with him to London and listened to it almost every day for the first year of being alone in a foreign city._

_He pictures Sakura every time he hears this song, especially when a certain part of the song comes._

** _All the girls in every girly magazine_ **

** _Can't make me feel any less alone_ **

** _I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03_ **

** _And on your machine_ **

** _I slur a plea for you to come home_ **

** _But I know it's too late_ **

** _I should've given you a reason to stay_ **

_Maybe that's why he loved this record so much, most especially this song, because he relates a lot to it. Their relationship was never perfect. Yes, their love lacked color but only on the outside. Inside, it's bursting at the seams._

_But then, sometimes it isn't enough. When fact and fiction blur together, it could end in tragedy; and that's what happened to them. Sasuke didn't give her enough reason to stay other than the quiet love he has for her. Sakura was never the demanding one, but she deserved more than what he gave. She deserved an explanation, an apology, and a love that fights for her. That's one of his biggest regrets._

_The song ended and the next song came, and then the next. Song after song, he silently dedicated them all to her. Every hook, every line; it's all for her._ _They sat there, hunched over his phone playing all the music, shivering from the cold but warm enough because of each other._

** _"I just wanna feel alive_ **

** _And get to see your face again"_ **

** _"I'll make it without you_ **

** _Though my body's laying here_ **

** _It's my mouth that must be lying now"_ **

** _"I'm talking to what's left of you_ **

** _Watching what I say_ **

** _Counting all the freckles on your perfect face"_ **

** _"I need to hear in black and white_ **

** _That you don't need me now_ **

** _Say you don't want me_ **

** _That it's not like it was for you before"_ **

** _"So don't go away, say what you say_ **

** _But say that you'll stay"_ **

** _"I'll be the one that needs you again_ **

** _And I'll be the one that proposes_ **

** _In a garden of roses_ **

** _And truly loves you long after our curtain closes"_ **

** _"When you're young you just run_ **

** _But you come back to what you need_ **

** _This love is good, this love is bad_ **

** _This love is alive back from the dead_ **

** _These hands had to let it go free_ **

** _And this love came back to me"_ **

_Words flowed, lyrics lingered; Sasuke dedicated and Sakura listened. Together, they forgave; together, they let go._

* * *

_"I need to go," Sakura whispered._

_They're both silent after a few minutes from listening to his playlist. He could tell she understood. Her misty eyes and her lips swollen from too much biting are a few giveaways. She was nervous and anxious about saying something. Sasuke waited._

_"I.. I wanted to say.." she stammered. She was fiddling her engagement ring as she find her words. Then, "It was good to see you again, Sasuke-kun."_

_Sasuke-kun. He felt like he finally redeemed himself because of that added suffix. He finally earned it back. She knows all that happened, she understands, and she listened to his apologies and regrets._

_He will never ask for anything more._

_She finally stood up from her swing and started to turn away towards the setting sun when he found his voice._

_"Are you happy?"_

_Sakura looked back at him, her eyes soft and dreamy. A little red from the crying they did earlier_ _but her vivid green still stood out from the dull hues of the snow._

_She nodded her head, "I am. And I hope, you are too."_

_From the lonely swing he was sitting on he answered her, "I will be."_

_Sasuke watched as her green eyes flooded with moisture and she closed them as she took a deep breath. She was trying not to cry again._

_"Is this the last time we'll ever see each other?", he asked._

_When she opened her lids, she straightly looked in his black orbs. Their eyes have always been their best assets, and they use it well. Especially at times like this when words don't seem to flow easily._

_Her voice was quivering when she answered him, "Maybe." His heart stings a little but then she added, "I don't know.. I hope not.."_

_He stood up, "Can.. can I be selfish for one last time before you go?"_

_He was aware that he decided to never ask for anything from her again. She went through so much just by being with him and even right now as they speak. But like she said, maybe this is the last time he'll see her — beautiful and ethereal with the setting sun bathing the snow-covered world behind her, making her rose-colored hair burn in the right way and her glimmering emerald pools pop out with emotions._

_Sasuke watched her swallow first, as if sensing that he's gonna ask for something he wasn't supposed to, and she was right. He knows this is ridiculous and inappropriate because she is getting married to someone she is happy with, and she has every reason to deny him of this which he will respect if she does._

_But he is Uchiha Sasuke; and he is selfish, and arrogant, and compulsive when confronted with feelings, and irrational when he wants to be._

_He is Uchiha Sasuke and she is Haruno Sakura, and only God knows how much he fucking missed her and longed for her and cared for her and _loves_ her._

_He loves her. He always will._

_And so he took one step, then two, up until he reached her shaking form. With anticipation crawling in his veins, making his skin prick and his lips tingle, he asked his final request._

_"Can I kiss you?"_

_Her mouth opened in surprise, her eyes widen in shock. Her breath comes in puffs, visible in the winter cold. Sasuke waited patiently, offering a silent prayer to her. He doesn't pray to any god now for he believes there is none. But if Sakura heeds his prayer_ _then maybe there really is one._

_Seconds felt like infinity until she firmly answered, "No."_

_His shoulder sagged. He anticipated it, but it still hurt a little. He understands and he respects it, but he still wanted it. He looked down and forced a smile._

_"I know. It's okay, I understand. I shouldn't have asked. It's ridiculous and completely absu—"_

_"Can _I_ kiss you?"_

_Head whipped upwards as fast as it could that it gave him a sudden whiplash. He saw her soft smile and her even softer eyes and she's just so fucking beautiful it hurts and she's gonna kiss him._

_All he could ever manage was to give her a nervous nod. He was like back to zero, no experience with girls and how to act with them. He was like a child being promised of being brought to an amusement park or given a new toy. He was like a high school teenager realizing for the first time that he was finally getting to kiss this girl that he really really likes._

_Sakura stepped forward and looked up at his face, eyes roaming around as if watching for a shadow of doubt in it. Sasuke looked back and gave her a look of someone who will never get to have this chance again._

_Her bare hands went up and held his face. He helped her by leaning down and pressed his head against hers. He closed his eyes and waited for her kiss._

_Sasuke felt her breath on his lips and heard a murmur laced with strawberry scent. Her cold fingers against his jaw tighten for a bit as her words sank in him._

_"Thank you, Sasuke-kun."_

_His heart stopped as he waited for her soft lips on his eager ones, but it broke altogether when he felt them on his forehead._

_If it wasn't a sign of them really over; if it wasn't a sign for him to _really let her go_, then Sasuke doesn't know what it is._

_He understands it now. She chose to be with this person she's marrying and she chose to be faithful to him. She chose to settle all tangled knots from her past to get ready for her future — her future without him._

_He wanted to cry again but he didn't. He fought it hard, feeling his eyes water behind closed lids as he feels her lips linger on his forehead. He could feel her lips shake as she presses them harder to his skin. He clutched at her waist and gripped her coat hard._

_No matter what happens in the future, he had this. He had this last moment with her, and he will be forever grateful._

_All that happened was a blur after that. In the end, he remembered not watching her go. He immediately turned around as her lips left him. He wanted his last memory of her to be her smiling face close to him, not her retreating figure in the lonesome park._

_No words were said after that. He sat in the swing again, noticing that the sun had finally set. Winter night came howling in and he is alone again._

_Sasuke never saw her retreating back, nor her crying eyes, nor her last attempt to look back at him._

_He will never know, because he will never see her again._

* * *

Sasuke took a deep breath as he walks out of the airport, finally in New York soil. He saw the car that was supposed to pick him up right there in the front. He watched as the driver took his suitcase and put it in the trunk.

All the while, he cracked his neck. He was tired. The flight was long and his brain was fogged with those memories from 3 years ago.

He can say he's doing better now. He really let her go that day, wishing her all the love and happiness she deserves. He really meant every word he said and everything he did.

To say that he's not missing her would be a lie, though. She still manages to plague his mind sometimes and make him think of what she's doing right now. Where she is, how she's been, how happy she is; all those things. But for his welfare, he decided not to dwell on those things too much.

He's 29 now. 9 years have passed since they broke up, and 3 years since they had their closure. He dated once or twice, but it never really worked out. He really tried those times, but there was just something missing. It didn't feel right.

He isn't rushing through anything. Right now, he's just trying to make his way through every day, one step at a time. Who knows? Maybe this coming year might be the year for his love life. Maybe he will meet someone in his almost 3-week long stay in America. Maybe it's time to finally open his closed-door again.

As he opened the door of the car, he took another deep breath and silently hoped so, too.

_~fin~_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their whole conversation wasn't really the way I planned it. But it just happened as I was writing it, like it has a mind of its own. I hope it was okay. I've been anxious about this ever since I typed the first word. Aaah! So yeah, here you go.
> 
> Songs used:
> 
> A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
> 
> Echo - Jason Walker
> 
> Make It Without You - Andrew Belle
> 
> Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson
> 
> Let You Go - Jason Walker
> 
> Don't Go Away - Oasis
> 
> Happiness - Rex Orange County
> 
> This Love - Taylor Swift (please also listen to Ryan Adams' version of this because it fucking hurts)
> 
> PS. Oh, and i'd like to add Back to You by Alex & Sierra because I was listening to it as i first started writing it. Okay bye! Xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Hola! It's finally here on this site! I have been wanting to put my shit on this platform and I'm glad I finally took the time to get my shit together lol i will post the current parts I have for this story. I'm still not done since this is so hard to write, but thanks to all of the people who already read this and are still waiting for the conclusion of this angsty one I have here. Wish me strength, shannaro!!!


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